Epitaph

Don't You See That I Love You?

2010-08-27T01:01:00.002+08:00

Words just popped in my head and it turned into a poem.

Title is stated above.

When the moments fly,

I looked up in the sky,

Saw your name written on it,

I couldn't believe my eyes.

This heart have been waiting for so long,

For you to come along,

I wait this day to come,

And now you're here and welcomed.

You've filled the empty space in my heart,

And I know we will never be apart,

You and I share the same feeling,

It shall be forever and willing.

What I feel towards you is true,

I can't deny it anymore,

My heart is beating for you,

Don't you see that I love you?

xoxo,

Jaceyy

27.August.2010

making life decision..yet still can't make up mind..

2010-07-27T09:30:00.002+08:00

Why is it so hard to make decision? I don't know, I gave my answer but its not my final decision yet. I still having second thoughts, whether to go or not. To be honest, I hate that place in fact, I hate the people there. I really hate the people there. Dead serious hate! But why something in me triggers me and says that I should go? Should I? I mean, it will be starting all over again..meeting new friends, orientation..gah! Lecture hall, how I hate lecture hall. What is triggering me inside then? I have to make my decision fast! seriously, fast! To go or not to go? This thinking is making me depressed, I might be going back to the old road again. Dammit!

Confuse? dead confuse =(

2010-07-20T09:26:00.002+08:00

What I heard from our KJ just now..was.. rather a shocking yet devastating news. It made me think and i've never ever think like this before. Eight of us will be chosen to go to the other program which will twin with UiTM. Now, here's the problem. I'm confuse whether to go or not, my head told me to go but my heart told me to stay. My mom told me to go...

Here's the pros and cons if I go to the place...

PROS

The place is big and convenient
it's in KL, well.. shopping haven
most of my friends are there

CONS

Homesick, hard for me to adapt
meeting new friends..again (not good at it)
Far from parents (not a good thing for me)
High cost of living
I hate the traffic and some people there
I don't enjoy the attitude of some people
Rudeness (some)

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

God please help me to choose the correct path, please let me have peace of mind in making this decision. Amen.

Proud for who I am =)

2010-06-16T23:02:00.003+08:00

Rainbow Colors is ANOTHER way for God to say...

it's OKAY to be GAY! :D

I'm proud to be who and what I am now, I'm gay and I love being one, I don't care what people is going to talk about me, thrashing behind my back and stuff, but one thing for sure, being gay is the most happy decision that i've made so far. Woohoo!

I HAVE MY PRIDE AND I'M PROUD FOR WHO I AM!

Fragments of Me

2010-05-13T23:17:00.002+08:00

Okay, I wrote this when I was feeling down last week, stuff happens. When I got home during that night, I feel unwanted. People that I love were fighting because of me, I heard them and it really hurts me. From that all, I turn to hurting myself again. I promise that I wouldn't do that bloody thing but that pain is unbearable. I did lost blood, an average amount but I don't care. My mind was blocked and all I think is about suicide. Apart from all those shitty things, I came out with this.

Fragments of Me

This falling fragments of me,

Slowly falling into pieces,

One by one,

Sounds of clashing,

Sounds of despair.

When I look into a blank wall,

All I see is a gloomy image of me,

These precious virgin tears,

Slowly flowing down from the eyes,

Tears of sorrow.

This heart is weak,

Fragile and easily torn,

Watch me as this razor kissed my wrist,

Kiss this wrist with its sharp blade,

Let the blood flow,

Blood of anger.

Do you hear my heart beat?

Its beating slowly,

Those beatings tainted the surrounding,

and it shows how much I'm hurt inside,

Beatings if sadness.

See the blood as it flows down,

Let the blood taint the soil,

Let the ground feel its pain,

And know that this fool

is dying inside...

you're seriously annoying!

2010-04-28T13:22:00.002+08:00

Oh for the love of God, you're friggin annoying! I don't know if you realize that but you are, damn! Okay fine, I know you're all of that but stop being such a full of yourself! Gah! Its really bothering me. You know what? When your friend say that you're annoying, I agree with her. I just don't want to tell you that the FACT THAT YOU'RE ANNOYING, coz yeah, I don't want to hurt your feelings. And I've been holding back, oh what the hell! You've been annoying me since last year!

Need your opinions on depression :)

2010-04-09T09:44:00.000+08:00

Well..assignment.. the usual..

What to do? It's going to be a really hectic month..

We have to write a persuasive speech by choosing from these topic given:

1. Environment

2. Health

3.Culture

4. Education

5. Gender and Society

6. Social Issues

From these topics, I chose Social Issues coz yeah you know the world is like upside down now, social problems here and there. I decided to do on depression. Anybody have ever suffering from depression? I need some ideas, I've been in that situation and I have my own opinions but I need other people opinions too. So, tomorrow I have to show to my tutor my introduction of my essay. Wish me luck! xoxo

By the way, here's my title for my speech..

'Depression' - Silent Killer

@#$%^&*(&^$%#%^&

2010-02-23T22:27:00.003+08:00

Fuck everything! Arghhhhhh! Why do she have to make my life miserable?! Bloody fucking hell? Oh yes, I'm wrong! I'm bloody wrong..wrong..WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I'm mean! Ugh! I thought that this morbid and depressed feeling will be gone forever after vanessa but you just make things more worse.. yes, I have your heart but I feel like giving it back. I'm not sure, I don't know but inside me, I'm missing you. I know in me that I can't let you go but I'm trying hard to but I really don't want. I'm confused, really confused, should I be with you or not? I feel like I'm in a box which you held it tight and wouldn't free me. I need space to breathe, to walk around and to see the world. Because of you, I'm like so upset now and I feel empty inside. But the most weirdest part is, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! Now why am I missing you? I'm not suppose to miss you, or anything. With you being a part of my life, sometimes make me happy but sometimes it made me sad coz you were being morbid and all and eventually I'll become depressed. Gah! Nuff said bout stupid stuff!

labuan>>>awesomeness!

2010-02-21T21:56:00.002+08:00

[my favourite pic of all the pics..coz we're showing off our asses! :D]

Okay..labuan was so fun! Though I went there for like every year, but this time is with my friends, no grown ups..I repeat..NO GROWN-UPS! Mwahahaahahahaha...FREEDOM! :p

Finally, I'm out from my house. A dream come true. So, we went to Menumbok then we ride the speed boat, bumpy yet fun. We arrived at Labuan about 10am. Then, we check into our hotel, Pulau Labuan 2. Haha, our room [girls] were small but what the heck.. Then we went to lunch then walk around UK for few hours. After that, we rent car and we to interesting places, took pictures then go. Was so much fun and all the things I've been stressing bout all gone. Then night came, we went back to the hotel, shower and go out. We had KFC for dinner and we went to matriks. Ahh, good memories are been made there. I meet up with Stephanie, Mel, Yvonne and OMG.. Steffi. I don't know why but she seems so happy to see me and I am happy to see her. And she smiled all the time when we're both talking, and when I was about to go home, she's kinda sad. Awww.. I wished she would feel the same way as I feel towards her. Thats what I told Candice, "I'm in love with someone but she's straight." Steffi is who I'm talking about. When I see her, ohmigosh, its like you can hear birds chirping and your heart sings. Most happiest part for during meeting her is when she said, " Can I get a hug?" OMG, hugging her made me smile and i'm still smiling now. I've been smiling since friday night and kept thinking about her. I so so want to meet her again. Ok, nuff said bout matriks, lets move on to nightlife. After matriks, we went back to the hotel, we bought 12 bottles of beer. HAHA! We didn't drink much but yeah, we did drank like 5 bottles. Then my friend and my cousin sleep early. Boo hoo! So, me and the girls went out and drive around labuan. We went out about at 2am. Guess where we end up? We went to Pop In. Its a pub/club and OMG it was awesome! The atmosphere...the people! AMAZING! So, I drank a bottle of beer coz my friends were not in the mood. My friend, Nana, drag me to the dance floor.. so I danced my hearts out. I don't care what people thinks, I dance! Fuck yeah! We went out from the place at 3.30am then head for McDonald for a bite. We went back to the hotel about 4.30am. Oh my, I can't sleep so I didn't sleep for the whole night. Hihi! I didn't bought anything there tho coz I spent my money mostly on food, beer, hotel, transportation, and other stuff. We're planning on going back there when we have the time. I can't wait. But after April, there's no reason for me to go to Labuan coz my friends finished their course in matriks on the 18th April..so yeah. But Pop In is a place I must go. Imma go to bed now, tomorrow class start, xoxo.

I fucking hate it when they fight!

2010-02-12T09:55:00.003+08:00

I hate it when they fight, I mean my parents. Last night they fought, in the kitchen and yes I heard them. I listen to every word every sentences they say. Its really sad, I really hate crying coz crying affects the people around me. My downside of my shirt was full of blood last night. I can't stand the fightings. There are scars on my left arm, so as the blood will dry on my shirt. I feel at ease when seeing the blood flows. But I'm still sad coz of last night. I heard my mom said about leaving and that seriously stroke deeply into my heart with God forsaken piercing pain. I still feel the pain now, tears always flooded my eyes when I think of it. I cried in class today and damn! Why must I cry in front of my friends. I hate it! I bloody fucking hate it! I made them cry too, Nana and Dora. *sniffs* But when they hugged me, and my I feel at ease a bit. Hugs do make me feel better. But I really can't stand to see them crying..guiltiness affects me. Just now, when I'm with Dora, I can't explain why coz I feel so calm. When she hugged me tightly, calmness go throughout my body. When she cried just now, again, I feel pain. Staring at her eyes, seeing her smile..somehow makes me happy. When i'm sad, she's always be with me and say all those calming words. Today when I was crying my heart out, she hugged me tightly and whispered to my ear, saying that "when you feel sad, just think of me". Those words touched me deeply. Made me cry tears of joy. No one ever says that to me but this is just so sweet! I just want to hug her closely to my heart now. How can I make this family in peace? I can't stand it anymore! I hate being sad..me being sad, I cut! Please, no more! I'm trying so hard to avoiding cutting. Fuck! This cuts hurts. My arm is sore. I'll just try to calm down then. I'm just scared if they're really leaving, I'm scared of whats gonna happen to my sisters. I don't want them to break down just like I do. I want to protect them and keep the sadness away. For now, I just wished for this family to return to normal and be happy again. I just want to see those smiling faces and spending time together with each other. *fingers crossed*

xoxo

crappy morning...fun evening..

2010-02-01T22:06:00.002+08:00

why do Mondays have to be the worst day all of days?! Bad luck much?? I don't have the mood since saturday coz someone in the house made me feel like a stranger. UGH! You know how much it hurts me deeply?! I feel unloved! There's a hole in my heart coz of you. I can't believe your blood run in mine. DAMN! plus today, monday..that bloody discipline lecturer told me that my hair was too long and he bloody told me to tied it. What the bloody effin hell?! My hair is not that bloody long, it's bloody short for goodness sake! How can you tie a short hair?! My gawd! Where's your head sir? Saturday till today, I feel like I'm really a mess. And YES, I DID cut myself. I like the blood flowing from my wrist and arms. The pain came out along with the blood. To be honest, I like it. Yes, I like it very much. I don't care if I cut my veins or anything, I just want the blood to flow out. It makes me calm. Yeah, my friends were angry and I know I did wrong, but I just can't control myself when being in a shitty situation involving my mom. When it comes to here, I might breakdown so badly or I might want to die. I know its wrong to take your own life, but I can't take it! I feel so hurt inside, being left alone hanging in the abyss. A poor soul calling for help. Let me stop talking about sadness, move on to me being happy.

Ahhh..happiness. Me likey. Today is our PE performance that we need to do a lot of moving. It was fun and believe it or not, after doing it I feel so happy. The best way to cure sadness is hanging out with your friends. Damn, it works! *Happy dance* after that, we went to Alladin Restaurant and we have our dinner there. With all those talking and laughing, at last my sadness fade away. *Again, happy dance* I love all of my friends. Also, I did something naughty today. Woohoo! Thats more like me! HAHA! Owh well, gotta sleep now. Ciao :D

blah..blah..blah..bleh.. =.="

2010-01-30T10:59:00.003+08:00

*Screams out loud!* FUUUUCCCKKKKKKK MYYYYYYYYY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Why do this weekend have to be so bloody busy?! Man, college life is starting to get on my nerves. I'm started to think that am I really in the correct track? Gosh, confusion much. Gonna be in Shakespeare mode.. "Thy knife stroke my heart, piercing in, my blood shall flow from my chest to my toes, the ground will be tainted, with despair and sorrow."

What shall I do then?

so little time...

2010-01-23T15:57:00.002+08:00

*sigh* okay, 3 weeks of college..coming to 4 weeks. OMG and the works are piling up. College life, I know. Somehow, I feel restless. Idk why. Me and Karissa stopped texting each other. Why? Coz her phone bill was..OMG! Feel sad tho but we talked on yrbook. Doesn't feel the same but at least we talked. She still made me happy. Hmm, okay this month is crucial coz i'm in need of cash!!! Arghhhh! Got a letter from my former college, asking me to pay back the Semester 1's allowance! I was like WHAT THE FUCK?! and the total amount is RM1250!! Where am gonna find that money????? My life just died there...my current college's allowance hasn't come out yet..ughhhhhh!!!! *whining and cusssing* !@#@%&^(&(**@@%#!#!@*(&^)!!!

yesterday was history today is????

2010-01-12T13:14:00.002+08:00

PE was awesome yesterday. Akmar, Amirul, Jazul, Me, Gracie, Nana, Dora, Candice, Esther and Jun laughed really hard. It's coz of the joke that Jazul made talking Malay-Thai-Japan accent and myself, talking a scotland accent which make Esther laughed till tears came out from her eyes. Gracie lost her voice, OMG! Okay, today was forum during LDV and our group topic is about Sex and Gender. I talked about sexual orientation and wow, I don't know coz I kinda blushed. Coz this topic is somehow related to me. I explained using my general knowledge and I think some people including Madam is suspecting something. Owh well, at least they know and I'm actually okay with that.
So, me and Karissa 1st Month Anniversary is almost near. I'm more happier being with Karissa rather than being the that bloody person. She made me so happy and she remember our anniversary unlike..ughhh! the other person. She said to me that I'm the reason for her to get up every morning and that just put the biggest smile on my face. She's the reason I smiled whenever I sit alone. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. All I hope for is, I don't want her to hurt me as Vanessa did. I can't take it anymore. I hate being hurt and I hate hurting people. All i want is to make people happy and I'll be happy. Is it that hard to ask? I hope me and her are gonna last long and happy together. I don't care what people thinks tho. I know some will accept and some will not. So please, leave your bloody conservative life and move on to the new era of life already.

tomorrow is the day! D:

2010-01-03T00:22:00.003+08:00

Ah-ma-gosh! I can't believe its finally tomorrow!! I'm going back to college tomorrow! ohmylord!! Its so fast and i'm just starting to enjoy the hols. UGH!!! New roommate..new everything! I hope she's not bossy or snobbish. I really want communication! or I'll die! SERIOUSLY! I'm not used to being friends with someone older than me..well except for Dora and my cousins..gosh, time will tell then. New challenges..new drama..arghhh. Am I in the right track? Being a teacher? I mean, look at me! With this attitude and stuff, gosh! I'm so not gonna be a role model to my students in the future. I drank, I cuss, everything that is bad. So am I right for this? Gosh, I need someone to hit me. NOW! I'm just gonna accept the fact that I'm going back tomorrow.
Okay..talked with Vanessa again. Told her that I couldn't forget her completely then she said " I thought you did :( " what does she meant by that? And when I asked why, she said that "coz you were with someone". Again, what does she meant? Does she still loves me? Or she wants me to forget her? I'm really confused right now. But really, I do still have feelings for her. Believe it or not, I asked opinions from 11 people. 8 gave me the same answer and 3 different. Hmm, I better make sure of this or I'll end up getting hurt again. I hope she's not drunk when she say it tho. If she were, all of the memories will come back and haunt me again. Nuff said bout it, anyways..I missed my cousin. I missed her so much! Coz I really liked when she hugged me on new years day coz it was so sweet of her and adorable too. She hugged me with full of care.. she's 14 and very matured too. Matured than me. Some of my cousins dislikes her tho coz they said, she's harsh. Well, she is but owh well, like I said, she's matured for her age. Wow, its been like 3 days without texting Karissa. I'm guessing, she wants to end it, between me and her. *sigh* why does this keep happening to me? Gawd! OWH WELL.. like many people say..that is LIFE. Pfffttt.. right..
Anyways, I'm going to bed now..church in like 7 hours. Have a good life people :)

I do still love her...

2010-01-01T16:52:00.002+08:00

Talking to Vanessa now has made me realize that I do still love her. All the name calling thingy that I called her, was just to erase the memories of what she did to me..but deep inside me, I still do really love her..I think she's the only one that I really love. I can't forget her completely. I love her too much.

awesome new year!

2010-01-01T16:05:00.002+08:00

Goodbye 2009..well hello 2010! Well, this year's new year, I think its the best new year other than the other new years. Indeed, I'm shocked too. I thought it would be bad but I was so wrong. Hmm..maybe I got drunk this year and thats why I was feeling happy. LMAO! When the clock struck 12.00am last night.. was the happiest moment in my life. I called Monique and whoa her voice was so adorable. I seriously love australian accent. Owh yeah, when I was hungover last night, and was about to sleep, someone came into the room and gave me the most adorable hug ever and she said to me, " I'm here now". How adorable is that? She hugged me while I was laying on the bed. Made me happy and I hugged her back. And someone was jealous of us..ahaahahaha! But yeah, she ended up in my hands and I love cuddling with her. That was a cute moment. Hmm..I think this year is starting to be a good year after all. Hmm, okay that was an early judgment. We'll see what's gonna happen this year, and I'll be an official senior..haha! Bullying time? I'm not that cruel. Okay, i'm currently talking to Vanessa on msn now, this may sounded weird but I'm happy talking to her. I'm in cheerful mode now, maybe coz by the drunkness or maybe I am really in a cheerful mood. Haha, but still, I missed her tho. Should I tell her that? A bit confused here. She might think I'm weird or something. Owh well, 2009 has passed..its 2010 now. New challenges..new drama..new me!

me and her talk about kids.. LOL

2009-12-30T12:27:00.002+08:00

Heyy! Last night was a blast..rody's friend came over..wow..lots of beer! HAHA.. and seriously..some of his friends are cute! OMG! I've got a crush towards his one of his friends from SMC. My gosh..haha.. *hits myself!* IN YOUR DREAMS! I slept at 5.00am and woke up at 9.30am..whatafack! LOL, i'm kinda have an headache now..owh well..
Btw, Karissa finally texted me after 4 days without texting with her! OMG, that is burden. I missed her so so much..my gawd! I bloody missed her :(
So we both texted and texted..suddenly children came to my mind.. I told her about it. She said she love kids too! Woohoo! Unlike with Vanessa.. she doesn't like kids coz she thinks its painfully. So suicide is not painful for you then? Karissa is much more different from you, much better..more happier and she really made me happy. Me and her love kids, so she said she wants five or more! I totally agree with her.. Kids are the ones who brings the family together.. So, we think of some names..so her suggestions were, Kiley, Xaiver, Victoria, Oliver and Jasper. Mine were Vanessa, Aiden, Emily, Kayden and Jake. She said she like the name Aiden and Kayden if our kids were twins. OKay, this may sound crazy but I really really wants kids with someone who wants it as much as me. Karissa is perfect but..I don't know.. I want to change..but..I may be disown by this family coz I know that my parents won't bloody understand me..ughhh!! I just want to be with someone, but its just hard..some people just don't understand.. *sniffs*

Owh well.. I'll get my own kids someday..well, I hope..
and it will be with someone that I love the most! :D

Missing mode

2009-12-28T00:17:00.004+08:00

Okay, today was the Disimon Clan Party and I'm not in the mood to go but I forced myself to go. If I didn't go, what would the people will say? Although I don't mix well with them, somehow some of my cousin likes to hangout with me, talking about music or stuff. Being crazy is also part of it. Here's the funny part, me and Ruby were being desperate, she wants a boyfriend and I want a girlfriend, we both are wishing for it in desperate mode, was LMAO! She wants her boy of her dreams, and I want my emo girl. Nuff said bout the funny part, so here's the sad part just now. Me and Hazel were talking about relationships, she told me about her nightmare about her boyfriend and I told whats going on with my relationship which didn't work out well. So, suddenly Ruby and Titin went to my place and asked what happen between me and that person, why we broke up. At first I don't want to tell them, but they're good at persuading me to tell, I lost. It was hurtful for me but what the heck, it'll be better just to let it out, to ease the pain a little bit. So I told them what happened two months ago, I told them the exact details. I told them that the person hurt me many times but I was never angry. That person hurt me on my birthday which makes them shock and angry. Then I moved on to the part where I let that person go although its hurtful. I started to cry from there. I told them, all the messages that Vans sent me were all meaningless after all, and its heart breaking when deleting all the texts in my phone. From there, my tears couldn't stop flowing. Ruby, Titin and Hazel trying to calm me down but I just couldn't stop. I reminisce all of the happy memories when I'm with Vans.Of all the people I've been with, she's the only one that I ever truly loved. What she did to me, yes its beyond repair, but I still love her. Call me stupid but I really do. Even my friends says that she is really destroying me by hurting me. Now, its all over. I'm not angry, I'm just hurt deeply inside me, my heart is torn and haven't been sew up again. I somehow really find it hard to forgive. Hazel says just forgive and forget, yes I did that when me and her were together, but after what she did, OMG..its hard to forgive. How can you forgive someone that says I love you and wants to get back with you, then the next day that person took it back and says he/she were drunk at that time..its hurtful right? I do want to forgive her, its just that, its really hard. But really, someone managed to cheer me up a little and I'm grateful for it. I really wished that she sees me more than just a friend in those amazing eyes. Okay, being desperate there, but I really wished for that. It made me not believe in santa tho coz that big guy haven't give me the ultimate gift ever..Someone to call my own. I know its being greedy and all but all I want is to love someone and that someone love me back and love me for who I am. Is it that hard to ask? Owh well, I know that person is out there somewhere, I just have to use all that I've got to find that person. But now, I really want to forgive Vans coz I hate keeping grudges in me. I'm not like that kind of person.

This year, 2009, is almost came to an end. For me, its so many downs rather than ups except that the person I met cheers me up only christmas day and I'm grateful for it. I've really changes alot after the break up. Like how? My friends say that I'm more cheerful, LOL idk that. But I can feel that I'm becoming a little matured and its so not me! I'm beginning to love kids, and turning into a hopeless romantic. Gawd! I seriously don't want that. I love collar stripes tee now coz its awesome! I have many of them now, thanks to my parents for buying me all those. I know its bad, I like to flirt and I'm trying to stop now. I drink too much and got in hangover mode each time. I'm 19 next year in July, getting old..OMG! All of these, happens for a reason and I just have to deal with it although I hate it. Countdown to 2010!!

upset mode

2009-12-27T02:16:00.002+08:00

Today is the day after Christmas..just got home from a Caroling X'mas Party, not that bad tho..was okay. Had a lil bit fun but owh well. Tomorrow its the Disimon Clan and I think I won't go. Not in the mood, coz some of the people there I despise, I don't mix well with them. Well, I've been upset since morning. When I woke up, I'm in upset mode. I don't know why, coz I think its the mood swings have kicked in. I'm just wondering why I can't find someone to call my own. I'm a loser when it comes to relationship. And I hated myself for being a hopeless romantic..ergh! But the last time, I fall..I mean, really fall in love, I ended up getting hurt. Dammit! But I know one thing for sure, I really do like Monique. I mean "like" as in LOVE. But the problem is, I'm just a friend in her eyes. I feel a bit down by it, but I'll live. I just hope to find someone is near to me where I can hold/kiss/hug/cuddle with that person. I'm getting sick for long-distant relationship. Its like I'm talking to a person that didn't exist but they do only in the internet/mobile world. You can't actually see them or hold them. Even if they turn on their webcam, yeah you can the their face but only that. Its hurtful sometimes. I really do hope I found someone that I really can call my own and lives near to me, where we both can meet each other. Its going to be eaffin hard, I'm sure about it. Nuff said about this, the other reason why I was upset coz its like I'm the black sheep in this family. Everything I didn't do, I get blamed on. I mean everything!! You know how painful it is to endure it all?! They blamed it all on me. I do this! I do that! Blah..blah..blah..even I couldn't find the answer myself. Its really making me depressed, and yes I want to cut. I promise to someone that I wouldn't touch that razor ever again but the pain inside me is too hurtful. The only way for me to calm down is to see blood. I know its crazy but I like it. I don't have any sickness in me or anything. I'm just stressed out! I might do something stupid and that someone will go, blah..blah..blah on me again. UGH

I just want to be really happy for once in my god forsaken life!

Christmas Day! :D

2009-12-25T20:02:00.002+08:00

Before begin, I just want to say Merry Christmas to all of you! May God bless you always. Okay, christmas is not as bad as I thought unlike the other years. So many thing that has happened to me this year. I managed to find my true self well kinda. I've changed a lot after the break up with Vanessa two months ago and I know wear different color shirts. Unlike wearing black shirts all the time. Other than that, I'm also into collar tee now. I'm getting matured, oh gawd! I feel like its not me but owh well, people needs changing in the life. I'm more cheerful now, more open..likes to be silly and oh my gawd, I'm drinking for goodness sake. I never like to drink before but now I drink like hell. Okay..for this year's christmas, someone has just made my day. Her name is Monique. Seriously, she actually made me the most cheerful person today. When she smiled, I get happy. Its so sad that we lived far from each other, she's in Perth and I'm stuck in Sabah. UGH! I wanna meet her so badly, we both could hangout together and it'll be awesome. She said to me even the ice cubes would get jealous of us. I don't know what she meant by that but its funny! I don't know, I think I may like her. It's begins when I try to help to not to cut herself and help her to be happy, I ended up by falling for her. But in her eyes, I'm just a friend, nothing more than that. I asked my friends, and they say that I should asked her. OMG! It would never be the same if I asked her. What if she says "no", gosh! That would be hurtful but at least I know that she only wants to be friends. But everytime I talk or text with her, I feel happy. It eases the pain inside me. I really want to tell her but I'm afraid if it will ruin our friendship. What if she thinks i'm a freak and avoid me? That would kill me completely. Maybe I should just see and what happens. Its the best christmas day today. It was alright. She made me happy, and I'm glad. Hope for next year will be more merrier and changes shall occur. I'll be 19 next year in July 10th. Getting older each year. *sigh* owh well, thats life.

Anyways, Merry Christmas to all of you!

self-reflecting

2009-12-23T09:54:00.002+08:00

Well, its almost Christmas. The time where most people wait each year. Full of joy and happiness among families around the world. But tell, what is really Christmas means to you? Is it all about the presents? Keep receiving but never giving? What all those needy people will be doing during Christmas? Is there any kind Samaritan who is willing to give them Christmas? There are so many needy people out there and yet they're being ignored. I know most of us are not that rich or anything, but God has given us life, love, everything. We should appreciate it all, why not being thankful to God by helping others? Most people when it comes to this time of the year, its all about the presents and shopping for new clothes and stuff. I mean, what happen to Jesus? The true meaning of Christmas, Jesus is the real deal. Not shopping or stuff. What happen to the true spirit of Christmas? Celebrating the coming of our savior? The one who saves us all from damnation. Jesus! We should be thankful to him.

I 'm writing this blog to reflect myself during this festive season. All I think is about shopping and shopping. I forgot what is the true meaning of Christmas. That what made me not in the mood for Christmas this year. All I think is about new clothes and stuff, I never think about Jesus or anything. Yes, I'm a christian, a roman catholic in fact. I do go to church every sunday. I know my mistakes and yet I kept doing it again. Yes, I do go to confession every year but it does not stop me from doing mistakes. This year has been the hardest year for me. Why? It is because getting into college, meeting new people and being in a new world. I'm not use to new environment, its hard for me to adapt new things especially involves meeting new people. Other than that, I got my heart broken many times this year by the person I love the most. Its broken beyond repair. I feel so bad flirting with people who has meet me just to forget the person who have hurt me. But again, another person came into my life and manage to heal this broken heart. She actually managed to heal my heart. I consider this person as my early Christmas present from Santa. Because this person had given me so much happiness in me. Made me realize Christmas is all about loving each other, loving other people and love among ourselves. This person has changed me wholly and I love the person dearly. Christmas is not just about receiving or new stuff, I now can say its about being loving and caring towards each other. Make peace with your enemies, make peace with your family if you don't have a good relationship with them. Me here, is trying to forgive the person who have hurt me, and I know its going to be very hard to do it. I'm not even sure if that person deserves to be forgive. I don't keep grudges in me, I never want to take revenge on someone because I know its not worth it. Doing that will make it more worse and eventually you're the one who's gonna get hurt again. I have a friend who loves revenge and gosh her life sucks.

Anyway, my wish for this Christmas is for every family to sit down and spend time with each other, use the time to talk, smile and laugh. I love my family very much and they meant the world to me. Without them, I wouldn't be in college by now. They taught me well in life. Also not to forget all of my aunts and uncles, all of them are awesome as! I'm grateful for everything that God has given me.

I now can say you're a bitch!

2009-12-21T08:42:00.004+08:00

Two months have passed since that incident involves us two, its still stained my memories. The memories of you, tainted everything in me. Since then, its hard for me to find someone to love. But what you did to me was beyond repair and it hurts so much. It's gonna be hard to forgive you. I can't forget, okay?! Somehow I think I still have feelings for you. I talked to my friends about it, she said you're entirely destroying me. At first, I don't agree with her coz at that time, you mean so much to me. What happen to the words you texted me last time, "I will never leave you. I love you forever and always". Do you really mean it when you say it to me. What about the thing you promised me? You never even try to keep it. You know how much does it hurts me knowing that you promised that you'll never do it again but you keep on doing it. You know who made me realize that being with you was a mistake? I met this girl, her name is Karissa. I was so sad and I told her about you. Guess what she said? She was so angry and called you a "bitch". When I told my friend about it, she also agrees with me. Came to think of it, you are one. After what you did to me 2 months ago, yes you are one. You left me to be with another person, thinking here you and him are going to be happy together. But no, you broke off with him and be with another person. I now can really say IT WAS A MISTAKE FOR LOVING YOU. You know what? Karissa has made me happy. She's different from you, she's not like you, and she's way better than you. All you do is making me sad, believe it or not I was never angry with you coz I love you so much. Really, I was never angry at you and yet you keep hurting me. I know you didn't realize it. When I went to college and its hard for me to talk to you, I cried you know. When I called you, it makes me happy to hear your voice but at the same time I was sad. I cried many times coz of you. I never told you this coz I don't want to make you worried.

Now, I realized.. you're a bitch! Thanks to Karissa. She have healed what has broken inside me, she always made me smile. I love her dearly and she means the world to me. I hope you realize yourself that you made a mistake being with me. I hope you do.
I REGRET IT ALL!

ughhh!

2009-12-08T03:51:00.002+08:00

OMG! Its like 3.52am and I can't sleep. Woke up just now, my head hurts, my whole body hurts. My nose is runny and it hurts. It's time to go see the doctor, if possible tomorrow. I can't stand it anymore. It really hurts. What is my sickness? Its a combination of flu and fever, so might as well call it "FLUVER"
I've never felt like this before, when I come down with flu and fever, its not that painful as this one. Its like a torch pinned through my body. One word for that, "OUCH!"

our relationship officially ends..

2009-10-20T19:03:00.002+08:00

20/October/2009
exactly this day..
my friendship/relationship with Vanessa ends forever.
She have deleted on msn but I won't delete her coz I got this feeling which keep me from deleting her and idk what it is..
but I will try to move on and someday I will find somebody that I will love as much as I love her.. i'm going to be happy although inside me it hurts so much..

No more thinking bout her...

2009-10-07T15:47:00.001+08:00

I GAVE YOU HIM, WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE? HE LOVE YOU, HE’S THERE FOR YOU, HE’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU..BUT I’M HERE, FAR AWAY FROM YOU. I CAN’T EVEN HOLD YOUR HAND, I CAN’T EVEN HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS, I CAN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING WITH YOU COZ I’M NOT THERE! HE’S THERE FOR YOU, HE CAN HOLD YOU IN HIS ARMS AND HE CAN PROTECT YOU. I CAN’T DO ALL OF THAT COZ I’M BLOODY FAR AWAY FROM YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LET GO SOMEONE YOU LOVED THE MOST? SOMEONE YOU LOVED MORE THAN YOURSELF? SOMEONE YOU LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS? HOW HURTFUL? DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I AM NOW? LET ME TELL YOU THIS, I’M SO HURT, DEEPLY INSIDE ME IS LIKE BLEEDING BLOOD. MY HEART BLEEDS THEN SHATTERED INTO MILLIONS PIECES. I DO ALL OF THAT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME. I DON’T CARE IF I BLEED FROM MY EYES OR DIE. I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. DON’T YOU GET IT? YES, I STILL LOVE YOU, BUT IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU MUST LEARN TO LET THEM GO. I LET YOU GO IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I CAN’T BEAR TO SEE YOU GET HURT EVERYTIME. I’M SURE YOU’LL BE HAPPY WITH HIM. ALTHOUGH WHEN I THINK OF IT, IT HURTS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I’M SMILING COZ I KNOW THAT YOU’RE SMILING TOO WHEN YOU’RE WITH HIM. THERE’S NO MISTAKE THAT I SEE IN YOU THAT YOU ALSO LOVE HIM. I WANT YOU TO FORGET ME, FOR ME IT’S HARD TO FORGET YOU BUT I WILL TRY. IT’S VERY HURT TO MOVE ON; IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO NOT LOVE YOU. BE HAPPY FOR ME OKAY? I WISH YOU BOTH A HAPPY LIFE AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

loving you was my favourite mistake..

2009-10-02T21:13:00.004+08:00

Today is the most saddest day in my life... and it's really happening now.. remember how much I wanted to break up with vans? Yep, the day is today. I'm both sad and relieve. I'm sad because I felt a part of me empty. I'm relieve coz there's nothing to think about anymore.. I'm going to miss our memories that we've shared.. I have bout 1000 or more texts from vans in my phone.. It's hard to delete.. OMG! I think I'm regretting it..shit! NO!!! I must move on and forget bout it. Pretend that I never met vans..pretend everything was just a fairytale dream.. I don't care! Well, I hope they both have a better life.. i'm sure vans will be happy without me in her life..more happier when she's with alex. They both good for each other. All I want is for her to be happy..as much as it really hurts me so deeply..like a knife stroke into my heart..her happiness is more important. *sigh* ow well..here comes single life again..

I really want you back...

2009-10-01T15:59:00.004+08:00

My heart longs for you, my soul dies for u, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach for you.

I keep thinking of you since the day we've talked. I know we've had our time together and it was over in the middle of march but I've realized that I still love you although 5 months already passed without you with me. I still have feelings for you.. and you don't know that. But I really want you to know that. Ahh, when are you going on msn?? I want you..I want you..I want you..whoa..being greedy there..hehe..but still, I WANT YOU! Idk why tho coz, I have this feeling that you still love me.. dammit! I'm a hopeless romantic person.. which is bad! Bad me! But..I'm with Vans..but..but..so many buts aye.. argh! I just want you back!

missing piece of puzzle in my life..

2009-09-25T23:31:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I last blog... was too busy with college and stuff...
okay..my life so far..there are ups and downs as usual but mostly downs coz of that someone..
me and vans, we had a fight on sunday..which nearly ends our relationship but it didn't happen coz we love each other too much..and now, I'm disturbed coz the thought, "Do you really love me?" came to haunt me again. I don't know why tho coz I really feel like you don't love me anymore..or maybe you never really love me like you said you were.. Its really making me confuse when it comes to you..
Okay..forget bout the down part..let's talk bout the up part..
well..yesterday, while I was facebooking and chatting on msn, suddenly someone I knew online and that someone is my ex, Eri. Believe it or not, I actually think that I was dreaming..I couldn't believe it! It was in March since we last talked and yesterday we both talk. She's still the same Eri, that I've loved before. Same craziness, same depression, same everything and I miss all that. To be honest, I still love her till now..maybe more than I love vans coz I was smiling like a mad man yesterday..smiling to myself.. it was funny and weird tho.. but seriously, I want to be with Eri again. But I don't know if she still feel the same way about me.. I miss the 5 months we had, the laughs, the jokes, everything.. texting everyday.. she texted me at 6.00am everyday..yep, I miss that all. She's the missing puzzle piece that has been missing from my life.. and I want that puzzle piece back... I'm not sure when she's going to be on msn tho but I hope that she will..and I can't bloody text her coz her parents took her phone..thats what she said.. I don't know! All I want is for her to know how I feel bout her.. that's all.. but from far what I see in her, she moved on...and I'm still stucked in the past...

I'm a droob...

2009-09-11T09:21:00.001+08:00

I'm a droob in believing that we're over..
but now I'm sure that we're staying with each other..
Forever and Always <3

thinking of...

2009-09-08T12:29:00.002+08:00

Thinking everything about you makes my heart bleed...
I don't know if I should end it of not.. I don't know if I should be with you anymore..
Everything is becoming a blur now.. everything about us...
How can I love a person when the person does not even want to talk to me????
Fuck all of this! I can't stand anymore..
I've been thinking a lot now..and its really tearing my heart apart..
you're there and i'm here.. I just couldn't bear with the distance..
we're falling apart each day...
even so, my feelings for you are still the same.. don't you understand that?
I'm just a fool..a fool fell for you..
Leave me alone for now....

*sadness mode*

Breathless

2009-08-13T21:31:00.002+08:00

Today at Social Study class, I feel so bored..Idk why tho..coz this is the first time I feel bored in SS class..that's where my mood swings started to kicked in. Then came the "Thoughts" and something had crossed my mind..I really don't know what it is but that something really hurts me..a poem popped up in my mind..here it is..

Breathless

Walking this path leads to nowhere
The skies growl above
Thunders crashing there and here
With the feeling of anger
I looked down to the ground

Walking with my head down
With a feeling of sadness in me
I cursed this world for being so cruel
So cruel that it hurts me inside
I cursed, “Damn you!”

As I walked on the grey pavements
With a face filled with sorrow
Tears flooded my eyes
Flowing down through my cheeks
Bloody tears

I stopped and stand on the ground
Drowned in my own tears
Gasping for air
Feeling weak inside me
Breathless

It was sad but yet funny xD

2009-08-06T18:01:00.003+08:00

Okay..we were given a group task by our English Study lecturer. A task which requires us to tell a story based on the given sentence by her.The sentence was like this,

"The sound of the door slamming..."

Then we have to continue it. So my groups members were myself, Candice, Eudora and Gracie. We sat together and try to came up with an interesting story. We thought of horror, thriller, comedy and romance. Which one do we choose? Read the story that I made and you'll know it. By the way, the story made my friends cry. I'm so proud that I made a boy cried with my story! A boy! He cried!!! Bahahahahahaahahahahaha.......

Here's the story.. Title: I Love You, Goodbye

The sound of the door slamming makes my heart pounds so fast. I wonder who had slammed the door. The feeling of curiosity bloomed inside me. Suddenly I heard an unfamiliar voice calling me from downstairs. I felt the chills sent down to my spine. I wonder who that person could be. I was alone in my room and I’m scared if that person downstairs could be a burglar, rapist or even worse, a murderer. I’m beginning to imagine horrible things in my head. I felt the urge to go downstairs. I grabbed my baseball bat and slowly crept out from my bedroom door. I tip-toed to the stairs, slowly walking down step by step and finally, I’ve reached downstairs. I peeked through my kitchen then to my living room. It was weird because there is no one in any of those places and yet I’ve heard someone calling me. This situation is starting to scare me. I quickly ran up the stairs and walked to my room. While I was walking, Chase suddenly crossed my mind. In case you’re wondering who is Chase, he’s my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost six years that is since we were sixteen years old in high school. I’ve reached my room. I turned the door knob slowly and what I saw in my room nearly give me a heart attack. There he is, standing in front of me, with his blue mesmerizing eyes and his angelic smile. We barely see each other because he lives in Australia to further his study there. And now, he is standing in front of me. Chase is standing in front of me. I could not believe my eyes. It’s like I’m in a dream and I need a good pinch on my arm to prove this is not a dream. I stared at him blankly. Suddenly I felt a soft pinch on my arm. It was Chase who pinched me.
“What is that for?” I asked him.
He smiled and said, “It looks like you couldn’t believe that I was standing in front of you so I gave you a soft pinch on your arm.”
I gave him a grin.
He stare at me with his beautiful eyes, “It’s been a while since we last seen each other. How are you my dear?”
I noticed that his voice has changed. No wonder I couldn’t recognize his voice when he was calling me. I held his face with my hands and say, “I’m fine, thank you for asking.”
I grabbed his hand and bring him to my bed. We both sat on my bed. We talked for hours. He said he missed me so much so he decided to go back to Sabah to meet me. I was flattered when he does that just to meet me. I gave him a hug and he smiled at me. He had a soft sweet smile that made my heart melts. Suddenly, there was a silent moment between us. He just stares at me. The expression on his face had changed. I saw sadness in his eyes.
“Is there something wrong dear?” I asked him with concern in my voice.
He turned his face away from me. I was worried now. I gently held his face to face mine. To my shock, I saw tears in those beautiful eyes.
“Chase, why are you crying?” He kept staring at me with those teary eyes. Our eyes met each other. Then suddenly he came nearer to me. I startled a bit. He asked me to close my eyes. I closed my eyes slowly. In few seconds, I felt his lips touches with mine. He kissed me passionately and I was drowning in it. His lips became more urgent, I felt the urge to go further but something stopped me from going forward.
I pushed him slowly and said, “Maybe this is not the right time. I’m sorry.”
He smiled and kissed me gently on my forehead. “Let’s go for a dinner. I’m hungry.”
I nodded and he told me to get changed into a dress. I wonder where he would take me.

He went out from my room and he said that he will wait downstairs. He closed the door behind him. I walked to my closet and took out a black lavender dress that he gave me on my birthday two years ago. I matched the dress with my black stiletto heels. It took me about an hour to get myself done. I went downstairs and saw him waiting for me at my door with a bouquet of white and red roses. He had changed into his tuxedo and he looked amazingly handsome. As I walked down the stairs, he kept smiling at me.
“How do you change so fast?” I asked him.
He giggled, “There was an empty room near the bathroom so I changed there.”
He handed me the bouquet and said, “You’re the most beautiful thing that had happen in my life and I’m glad that I’m in love with you.”
I hugged him tightly.
He walked me to his car. “Emily, before you go in, I need to blindfold you. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.” I nodded at him. He blindfolded me and he led me to sit at the passenger seat beside him. I felt the car was moving.
“Where we are going for dinner?”
“Just wait and see love.”
After few minutes passed, the car stopped moving. He went out from the car and opened the door and held my hand. I felt the cooling breeze blowing through me and I heard waves crashing. I realized that we’re at the beach.
“Come and follow me. Don’t worry, just hold my hand.”
“But, where are we going?”
“Just trust me, okay?”
He held my hand and I followed him cautiously.
“Watch your step.”
After few seconds of walking, he unties the blindfold. The scene was beautiful. There was a table for both of us, with a candle in the middle. It was a candlelight dinner. He was so romantic.
I looked at him and said; “You do all of this just for me?”
“For the girl I loved so much, I’m willing to do anything.”
I gave him a kiss on his cheek. We both sat and the waiter served us dinner.
It was a lovely evening because of the cooling breeze and the sound of the waves crashing to the shore. A violinist came and played a soft song.
“Care to dance my love?”
“I’m not a good dancer, Chase. I think I’ll pass.”
He looked at me with disapproving look, “Nonsense, I’ve seen you dance before and you were good at it.”
I didn’t argue any further so I got up and danced with him. We both danced and danced till sunset. Suddenly, he stopped dancing. His face turned to a serious look.
I asked him, “Chase, is there something wrong? You were also like this today in my room. Tell me what is wrong.”
“There’s nothing wrong, Emily. It’s just....” He stopped for a moment.
“What Chase? Tell me. You’re making me worried.”
“Emily, you’re the girl I felt in love with. We were both young when we fell for each other. Throughout the years we’ve been through, our love grew stronger.”
Then he reaches for something inside his pocket and he took out a small black box. He kneeled down in front of me. He opened the box and I saw a ring with a beautiful diamond on it. He gently grabs my hand.

“Emily, when I breathe, you’re the first thing that comes into my mind and to my heart. My heart beats only for you and without you it will stop. I want to spend my whole life with you and I promise that I will never stop loving you. Emily Robson, will you marry me?”
I was touched. Tears of joy ran down from my eyes.
“Yes! Yes! I will!” I yelled in a joyful voice.
He stands up and he kissed me. My heart was beating fast. We decided to get marry after two days from the day he proposed to me. There are a lot of preparations to be made in two days. I told my parents about it and they both were happy for me especially my mum. She helped me with all the preparations including my wedding dress, wedding cakes and the venue. The two days passed very quickly. Finally, it’s our wedding day. I woke up with a smile on my face. My best friend, Ashley, was there to help me to dress up. When I put on my wedding dress and stand in front of the mirror, I was happy. I’m about to marry with the man I love more than anything in this world. As I was about to go downstairs, my phone rang. I picked up.
“Good morning. Is this Emily?”
“Yes, it’s Emily speaking. How may I help you sir?”
“I’m not allowed to tell you on the phone. It’s about Chase. I need you to come down to the hospital now. It’s urgent.”
I was shocked, I ran out from the house door and into my car. Tears start to cover my eyes and I was praying hard that nothing bad will happen to Chase. I reached the hospital in wedding dress. I panicked, I ran here and there. A doctor came up to me and asked, “Are you Emily, Chase’s fiancée?
“Yes, I am. What happened to Chase? We are getting married today.”
He was silent for a moment.
“Please, tell me. Is there something wrong?” I asked impatiently.
The doctor finally spoke, “I’m sorry to tell you but Chase is gone.”
I broke down in tears, “Why do you mean by he is gone?!”
The doctor was shocked when I asked him that question. He looked at me, “He didn’t tell you that he has cancer? I’ve been treating him for about 3 years now.”
I cried more, “No, he didn’t tell me that he had cancer. I guess he doesn’t want me to worry about him. But why the hell he didn’t tell me? Why you didn’t save him, doctor? Why?”
The doctor puts his hand on my shoulder, “We’ve done everything we could but the tumours inside his lungs were too big and it can’t be saved.”
I cried more and more. I felt like my whole life was falling apart. My heart was shattered into million pieces. Suddenly, a nurse came up to me and handed me a piece of paper. She said it was from him. He wrote it before he died. I opened the letter and read it.

Dear Emily,
I’m sorry that I’ve been keeping this from you for the past three years. I don’t want you to worry about me. It tore my heart apart to see you sad. I’m sorry I have to leave you. My time is almost up. Please, be strong. I don’t want you to be sad. I will always be in your heart. Look out for the shiniest star at night. That star is me smiling down on you so you would not feel lonely. Here’s a poem that I made for you,

Goodbye my dear
I shall make it clear
I’m not sure if you can see
But you take the breath right out of me
I may not be beside you everyday
But my love for you will stay forever true

You’re like the moon in the starry night,
You amongst the darkness
Provide me light
You shone my path
That leads me to you

I believe the same thing
Are meant to be
Cause I believe in love
And yours was meant for me

My heart is one with you,
I wrote your name in my heart,
And forever it will stay.
I love you,
Goodbye.

Notes: Please, DON'T attempt to copy this story. I made it myself, it's my work. So, please..just read and tell me what do u think of it. Your reading will be most appreciated.

Thanks =D

xoxo

Happy Friendship Day!! xD

2009-08-01T06:57:00.001+08:00

It's 6.58 am now and I just want to say good morning and.....
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!!!! xD :D

Why is it so hard to understand you?

2009-07-30T17:05:00.003+08:00

Gosh, why is it so hard for me to understand of what you're going through now? When I asked you, you said that you don't know. It's like you're telling lies about your life. I've known you with lies alongside. I just want to know what is your problem so that I can help. I know you're wondering why do I cared you so much about you. You want the answers? First, you're my friend and as a friend, I don't want you to get hurt. Secondly, it would be such a waste for you to die at a young age. You would not experience life and thirdly, I have this feeling which makes me wouldn't stop caring about you. This feeling that turned into a love kind of feeling which I've kept it for quite sometime. I think our friendship is on the verge of breaking down which I can feel it will happen soon. I want to ask you this question. Am I a friend to you? i'm sure you will just answer yes but what does your heart truly say? That I want to know. I guess, I will leave it that way then....

I so HATE today!!! >:(

2009-07-27T19:57:00.002+08:00

Heyy peeps!
I'm blogging in my room..which is in IPGM Kampus Gaya. Glad they have wi-fi here but certain websites are blocked! Damn! Okay nuff said bout yadayada..
Let's get straight to the point.. about what happened today during GERKO time...
VOLLEYBALL!!! Say hello to major pain! xD
I'm just gonna say once.. My hands are hurt!! They're bloody swollen!!
It's like purple and blue in color...pity me :(
Someone! PLease...cure this bloody pain..
Surely..tomorrow I can't write anything..

I'm sick with all of this!!

2009-07-19T20:24:00.002+08:00

Heyy..it's been a while since I last update my blog. Its coz I'm busy with my orientation last week. No time for laptop or fun. Gosh, I'm hella tired. Well, the institute was okay.. But there's wi-fi in each room which is a PLUS for me. Tidak boring lah.. Not like in matrix, tamaha wi-fi..sheeshh... Well, I met new friends again! They're ok and very open-minded and I'm beginnning to like them. I'm staying with seniors..whoa, SENIORS! and i'm hella shy around them..I'm gettingg a feeling that my life there would be fun and stressful at the same time. Okay, nuff said bout college. What happen today was sickening me. Wait for the sickening part, on to the happy part first. Today, I bought a new shirt again. On the shirt it stated that,
"SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT DAYS" and I'm in love with that shirt. It truly reflects how I feel each day. Okay, on to the sickening part..owh I so hate of what happen just now. How can you love someone when that someone cares more about his/her relationship with other person, meaning that his/her bff. Ugh, it's stressful. It makes you think that, if she/he loves you or their bff. I'm a bit jealous, yes..jealous. At least, I said it rather than keeping it. It also makes me think, is she/he cheating? I feel like I wanted to give up but I love Vans very much. I know, I'm in a long-distant relationship, but we trust and we loved each other so much. But the truth is, I can't stand it when Vans become sad or depressed. Its making me sad as well. I'M SICK WITH ALL OF THIS!! But I can't give up. Vans stopped being suicide coz of me. I'm confused and pretty much getting to my nerves. Ahhhhh! Idk what to do, seriously. But I don't want us to end. Sadness filled my whole body, with a feeling of anger and rage.. *looks away*

well..that was pleasant..

2009-07-11T20:49:00.005+08:00

Today was.....AWESOME!! and pleasant..hehe.. My dad, me and elyn went to watch Drag Me To Hell at growball. That movie nearly gave me a heart attack. Seriously O.o but at the same time it was funny. You should have seen elyn just now. She borrowed my hoodie and guess what she do with it? She zipped it until it covers her face and the wore the hoodie throughout the movie. It was really funny if you saw her. Teehee! Damn, that movie gave me the chills..urgh! :P Screaming everywhere..heart pounding every scene..I have to close my eyes for goodness sake. Lol, I can't stand the excitement of the movie..hehe.

Now, i'm begging you please go to this site, Tun Dr.Mahathir's blog and VOTE whether you want teaching of Science and Maths in Bahasa Malaysia. PLEASE VOTE FOR NO! I'M BEGGING YOU! PLEASE! PLEASE! WE WANT TO GO FUTHER NOT BACKWARDS! Those who vote for "Yes", seriously..what a waste of good education towards our future, "Whackheads!".
Here's the link..
http://chedet.co.cc/chedetblog

PLEASE..PLEASE!! VOTE FOR NO! THANK YOU =D

Birthday!! Woohoo xD

2009-07-10T17:58:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday to me! Teehee! I'm 18 years old! I'm old! Noooooooo!!! But I can finally go into clubs! Woohoo! Jugs..here I come! And I can mosh! Finally! Woooo! Moshing!! Hah! Like I ever been to gigs before :P owh well, I can mosh in my room while listening to BMTH.. So, today's my birthday.. First one to wish me was my mum while I was sleeping. She and Joanne went to KL today. Thanks guys for the wishes by texting me..
My gratitude goes to these following people:

Lee Foon [first one to text me at 7.40pm]
Effie
Step
Shar
Brenndan
Ain
Hazel
A1T2 class [my classmates in matriks]

Thanks guys for the wishes. But the most touching moment today is when my friend, Shazziey, called me [btw, she's my classmate in matriks A1T2] and my whole classmate was there..and they sang me a birthday song. I was so touched. My A1T2 are the best class ever! Aww..I miss them so much! I want to go back there! Huhuhu..but I can't. I want to be a teacher. And have you guys read the newspaper headlines yesterday? The government wants to teach Maths and Science in Bahasa Malaysia. I was both shocked and angry. Why would they revert back?! I don't agree with their decision. We are so going backwards. What happen if students went to other country to study? I mean, they learned Maths and Science in bahasa when their in school and what if they futher their studies in other country? They would learn all things in English. I'm a soon-to-be English teacher..well in 6 years..and I disagree with the government decision on this. My major is English and my minor is English Literature and MathScience. Ahhh..this is so not happening! Well..mind that for a while. Its my birthday and why should I be angry today anyway? Owh well...

Down there, are some pics of my classmates, A1T2..

During KAKOM

With Miss Masitah beside me..

During my farewell party on Friday..
I miss A1T2 so so much..heaps!!

I despised this confused feelings in me

2009-07-08T21:58:00.002+08:00

Heyy.. i'm lazy to update my blog everyday. So..umm, I'm updating it today xD
Next week, i'll be leaving home again. Thank goodness, its nearer to home. Gosh, I hope the orientation is not bad as my lecturer said it was. Before that, Rest In Peace MJ! I will remember your moon-walk forever. So..i've been thinking alot these past few days. Actually, since last week. Let me ask you something. What is it feel like to have confused feelings in you towards two people? I'm having it now. I'm already madly deeply in love with this person..then there's this another person I met when I was in Labuan. First, it was just a crush then I'm beginning to develop feelings for that person. I mean, this person's smile..when you see it, it makes your heart sings..like when you're angry, if you see that person's smile, it will make you calm. Seriously, i'm not joking around. To add up, this person is always in my head. God..I feel so guilty now. I'm already taken and I love V. I can't like other people other than V. We've been together for like 11 months and one year together anniversary is just around the corner. Although we are far, I mean very far from each other, we'll never stop loving each other. We talked on msn, and I called 1 or 2 times a week. Ooookkaayyy..nuff said. About this person that I'm crushing on.. the eyes and the smile..wooed me. My friend advised me, not to fall for that person coz I'm already with V. Ahhhh! I'm seriously confused. I can't cheat. I love V very much. Argh! Mind me..idk where to express myself so I express it here.. neways, thanks for reading..

xoxo

Toilet Buddies Moments!! [My last night..nooo!]

2009-07-06T09:51:00.005+08:00

As promised, here's the pics of us, The Toilet Buddies, on my last night staying at matriks. We took this pics using my webcam at 11.30pm which is the time for us to go to the toilet. But cbf :P its my last night. Hehe..I know you don't know what "cbf" means..but owh well..
The members...
- Me [Jaceyy] -
- Eqah [mummy] -
- Audrina [audy] -
- Rose -
- Nora -

Enjoy the pics...

xoxo

Farewell to KM-HELL..Greetings To MAKTAB GAYA

2009-07-05T18:22:00.005+08:00

Heyy..i'm back peeps! Back in Penampang! I came home yesterday. I can't believe that I'm finally home! HOME! But, I missed my friends there. My roomies. I met so many friends from different places and they all are so nice and supportive. I don't know if I can find friends like that when I'm in maktab. Its coz, i'm the only one from smsm who got accepted there. And my lecturer said the orientation was one of the worse orientation of all maktabs. She said that because she studied there. Now, i'm scared. Gah! Gosh, I so miss my roomies.. Eqah whom I called mummy, Nora with her alarm that woke us up and Rose who likes to study. I also meet a friend in the toliet..LOL! Her name is Audrina, she's from Convent and we're on the same floor but different room. She lives just across my room and she's hella cute. LOL! She's my toilet buddy along with my roomies. We go to the toilet every night at 11.30pm. Seriously.. Later, I'll show you in my next post pictures of us on my last night staying at matriks. TOILET BUDDIES MOMENT!! Down there are the pics where I celebrate my birthday with them. It's early to celebrate coz my birthday is on the 10th July which is on friday. I wanted to celebrate with them coz I know I won't be with them on my birthday. So enjoy the pics...

Me and Shar...

ahhh...kiss me?

My smsm peeps..5 years we've been classmates in smsm..

Goofy faces :P

Finally! A decent smile from them.. =D

My roomies!

From left: Eqah, Rose and Nora.

Woohoo! All in!

There's Audrina xD

aww..with the cute faces :)

Cheese!!! Hot smiles!

My Cake!

Chocolate American Cake!

Yumm >.<

Home Sweet Home! LMAO! Only for 2 nights!

2009-06-19T17:52:00.003+08:00

Hey..hey.. I just got back from Labuan and now I'm at home. Home sweet home. I missed home..hOME! haha..so funny when me and my friends in the ferry. We were like laughing without reasons. HAHAHA! LMAO! We sempat lagi took some pics this. Banyak lagi bah in my phone but malas mau upload. Mel said don't kasi yang buruk-buruk punya. Hehe..

Just thoughts...inner thoughts..

2009-06-14T14:43:00.002+08:00

I woke up at dawn,

Woke up with a long yawn,

Staring at the ceiling,

Wishing that my life would end,

Why is this world so cruel?

Filled with darkness,

Hatred,

Sorrow,

Pain and suffering.

It's tearing me apart,

It's breaking me down,

I felt the emptiness in me,

Soulless,

It makes me weak,

The pain in my heart,

Will never be mend,

It will stay forever broken,

Till the day I die.

Wrapped In Your Arms Joanne you must read this

2009-06-13T14:18:00.002+08:00

I'm here..to stay..nothing can seperate us..

And I know..I'm okay..

You cradle me gently...

Wrapped in your arms..

I'm home..

Hey..hey.. damn, its been a while since I last update my blog. Well, it's not my fault coz of too many assignments. Noticed the lyrics above? What do you think about it? I think it's beautiful. The song is called "Wrapped In Your Arms" by Fireflight. So much had happened during college time. It has been a month for me in matriculation. A bloody month and yet I feel, its like years there. Another 11 months to go. Oooh jolly..can't wait..HAH! As if! I've been dying to get out from the cage. Seriously its tearing me apart. Owh well..life must go on. I haven't done my account, economy, maths and business management tutorial tho. Hehe..i'm lazy. Unlike all my roommates..they were like study and study and study..wow! Stress bah juga tengok dorang study. I'm at my aunt's house now..using her neighbour's wi-fi. Oooohh..i'm evil..mwahahahahaha! LOL! Yesterday was a sad moment for me. Coz, yesterday was perjumpaan mentor-menti and our activity was telling our story about the past, present and future life. The lecturer asked us to draw pictures bout it. So, my story begin like this. In my past life, I told them that I was an ex-smsm student..happy being with my friends and spm. I also told them that I cut myself and they were all shocked including the lecturer. Move on to the present life. I drew a house and a sad face. Which mean I'm homesick. Then I started to cry when I started to talk about my mum. I cried and cried..then most of my friends started to cry. The lecturer comforted me and ask me to calm down. Okay, nuff bout the sad part. Moving on to the future. Still crying, I told them what I want to do in my future. I said to them I want to study and get a well-paid job and with all the money I have, I told them I want to migrate to Australia, bring along my parents with me and take care of them. The funny part is, when I told them that I don't want to get marry. Lol, the all giggled including the lecturer. Yay! No more tears!! Hehe.. sempat juga bah mau buat lawak. And something makes me realize yesterday. All my friends in the same tutoran as me were all supportive like when the lecturer advised me not to cut myself again, they were all like.."We're here for you!"..Gosh..you don't know how flattered I am to have such friends like that. Okay..on wednesday..someone pisses me off! Its the bloody lecturer in Science Informatics. Damn, he...gah! I don't want to talk about it! I punched the bloody wall for that and now my right hand is still hurting. Also, I voluntered myself in English class to do the MUET speaking. Not only me but also my three other friends. I know..its going to be hella fun. Hehe...so, thats all from me today...

Especially for Joanne, Jocelyn, Mum and Dad...

I missed you guys heaps and heaps! Yes, i'm homesick and I feel awful being away from home. I cried everytime I think of home. I missed using the wi-fi..I missed spunky..I missed everything. Sometimes, I feel weak witthout you all by my side. I feel like I can breakdown anytime. I almost quit that day. But something has stopped me from quitting. That something is you both, Mum and Dad. You've done so much for me and I know I must do something in return. I'm sorry for thinking about quitting. This one week, there are lots of tears coming out from my eyes..I'm sorry, I can't help but to cry and cry.. I Love you all so much..

From Labuan with Love

Greetings from Labuan

2009-06-07T09:31:00.002+08:00

Heyy..heyy..heyy..A greeting from me from McDonald Labuan.
Gosh, every week which is on sunday I go to McD just to use the eafin wi-fi. It's coz the wi-fi at college macam tu tai..adakah Windows Live Messenger and FS pun mau block. I was like whatafack?! I mean..i have to log in into MSn for goodness sake. My social life is ruin.. NOOOOO!!! I missed Vanessa so so much. I missed Tori so much. I missed all of them...
I called Vanessa last night. You doon't how happy I am to hear her voice. I'm glad she's okay. When I was about to go, she cried because she don't want to go and wants to talk to me longer. Damn you time..hehe.. But my heart hurts knowing that she's crying. I mean, yeah I did cry last night while talking to her, its coz she wrote a poem for and she read it to me last night. The poem was beautiful, each word in each sentence and that made my eyes teary. The worst part is..I cried and she heard me crying. Gosh, i'm so emotional.. Damn hormones..stop invading my body! LOL! I'm here sitting with my friend using the wi-fi and i'm eating Sausage McMuffin! Yumm >.<>
Lol, i'm going mental if I stay longer at the college. But I seriously can't quit! I'm not a failure. Although I seriously truly despise hate the course, I can't quit. I promise myself and to mum that I will not quit although it will truly crush me.. *slowly looks down and cries softly*

The Life Of A Teenager in College

2009-05-30T17:27:00.003+08:00

The Life Of A Teenage In College...

What is it feel like to be in college? Fun? Stressful? Freedom? Independent? Hard? Happy? Well, there are fun times..hard times..we learned to be independent. Make our own bed and breakfast. Wash our own clothes. When we're feeling down, our parents are not there to comfort you. Only their voices through the phone. When we cried, only our friends can be our comfort zone.It's so sad to think when you're here and you're far apart from your family. There's no one to make breakfast for you, you can't feel your comfortable bed, there's no one you can hug tightly. Its all through the phone. You can only hear their voices from your phone but you can't feel their hands. It makes you want to see them badly. Like me, I want to go home badly. And now I'm home but its just for a while. In 2 days, i'll be gone and back to the place where I'm supposed to be. Not to have fun but study. Study to gain knowlegde and bring home a successful person in the future. But why I get the feeling that I don't want to go back to the place? To tell you the truth, I'm weak. I can't find the strength in me. I don't want to quit. Quitting is for failures! And i'm not going to be one of them. I will stay and study there. Although its making me stressful..although the pain is eating me up..although its breaking me down..I promise myself that I will NOT quit!! I repeat, I will NOT QUIT!!

Wanna know a thing or two perhaps the whole thing about my life at Matriculation College in Labuan? Here's the 411..Ready? Let's begin...

Morning
- Woke up at 5.50 am then straight to shower
- Make own breakfast [Milo and Bread sometimes Biscuits]
- Dressed up [about 10 mins on hair]
- Doing Revision for at least 30 mins [usually Business Management and Economy]
- 7.30pm..went downstairs..wait for friends then straight to class.

Morning to Afternoon
- Tutorial and Kuliah
- Break for I hour [Lunch at Hom Cafe]
- Tutorial and Kuliah again

Evening
- 4pm..class ended..
- Went to the cafe for a while then to my room
- Shower
- Updating my "State of Union" in my laptop
- Sleep [sometimes]
- 6.30pm..dinner at cafe with friends

Night
- Study and do my tutorial
- Study the Muet [Eaffin HARD!!!]
- Play game for a while in my laptop before bed
- 11.30pm/12am went to bed
- Await for a new day to begin [New Day means New and More Torture]

For me.. I hate Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I seriously do! Ugh..too many homeworks that day. But I mostly hate Wednesday. Wanna know why? Coz I'm not fond of the teacher teaching us Sains Informatics! He's so sarcastic..and I'm hurted sometimes by his word..
Argh! Forget it! * Hatred in me*

Home!!! But only for 4 days..aww..dang it!!!

2009-05-30T00:21:00.003+08:00

Home! Home! Home! Home! Home! At last HOME!!!!!!!!!!

I'm at home! I can't believe it! I'm at home! I missed home so much! I missed everyone heaps!! Today was funny tho. Me, Michelle, Lona and Effie rode the speed boat to Menumbok. Dammit! My ass hurts coz of the bumpy ride. We were all very nervous. Apa gia tidak, semua pun bawa beg besar! O.O Hehe..but owh well, I made it still in one piece. I can't believe that I'm in Penampang. Seems like it was just monday yesterday. Whoa..time passed by so fast. I'm getting old day by day. Omigosh! NO! Ain't gonna happen! *swearing and cursing* #@*&%!!!! Whoopss...hehe..my bad. Mind my rudeness. Well, its my nature to swear and curse. Hehe..can't help it. LOL! I'll be going back to hell on monday tho. Yay, can't wait! Duh! Hell no! Kalau bleh ni, tidak mau balik. Hehe.. Gosh, there's so many assingment to do and some lecturers wants them next week. Talking about not being understanding. Sheesshh..dammit, give us time would ya?! I'm going to sleep for the whole day tomorrow. I'm tired. Seriously! Everyday slept at 12 am. Siapa tahan?! Penat bah.. T.T

*cries*

Hey..hey..hey..

2009-05-23T13:50:00.005+08:00

Greetings to the people in blogging industry. I'm out from the cage of hell. LMAO! I'm at my aunt's house now. There's a wi-fi connection here. Lol, I don't know who's wi-fi. Hehe.. So..the first week of class in college..was a pain in the ass!! It's the first week for goodness sake and the lecturers gave us tones of homework!! Gah! Dammit, I can't cope with all of that. Maths..Account..Business Management..Economy..Kemahiran Dinamika..English..ugh.. Haha..i've been chosen to join the ICT 4 Me club but I turned them down. The lecturer said he wants to changed me into a college's journalist. Like what?! Moi? LOL! The first meeting was already a pain for me. He said to me..if I want to become a journalist, I must have the skill th handle the SLR. Haha...funny..so we were given SLR each..not given just borrowing..lol.. Mine was D60. The lecturer taught me on how to take pictures beautifully. One sentence I remembered he said, "Kalau mau ambil gambar, make sure background dia clean." I was like..oookkkaaayyyy.. Haha but ada juga lah gambar sa kena puji. So, I've heard many stories bout the college. Ugh..scary! O.O like the one I heard what they saw in the girl's toilet in Block A and D. Cilaka! Sa takut sdah. Buduh! Like last night me and my two roomates went to toilet together coz semua pun penakut! Hehe..funny..so cool..we bond..get to know each other..watching movies on my laptop. Hehe..gah..can't wait to go home to Sabah. Miss my dog very much. LMAO!

From Matriculation with Pain and Love

2009-05-16T17:51:00.003+08:00

Hello..hello..hello...
At last..after 5 days of pure torture..the hellish orientation has ended!! Woop woop!!!Gosh..the faci was sooooooooo MEANNNNNN!! Everyday kena DENDA!! TEDA KERJA LAIN KA DORANG??!!! SHEESSHHH...Thank God that you all are gone..hehe..so next week, our class will begin..say hello to torture number two. Before that, let me tell you what happened during the past 5 days.... First day of orientation..at night..we were called to go to the hall.. well, I thought the hall was big enough for all of us. But guess what? It wasn't!!! grrrr......!!

The faci told us to compressed! Gah! It was pact! No room to breath...the lectures says that this year is a record coz many students fainted..wow! Everyday we got punished. The worst day ever is on Wednesday coz we were forced to do "Ketuk Ketampi" for 70 times!!! My legs are in pain!! Jalan pun tidak tentu. Hantu btul!! And and and...there's no water yesterday..wednesday..and tuesday! Fuyoohhhh!! I was smelly! LOL! Owh well...can't write to long.. At McD now..hehe..

p/s: From Labuan Matriculation College with Love, Sadness and Pain...

Missed you all heaps!!

xoxo

Last post before I go.

2009-05-08T22:50:00.002+08:00

It's 10.55pm and i've got about 6 hours left in this house. I'm done with the packing. Emotion of sadness fills my whole body. I will treasured this moment. Next week, I will woke up to a different room with different wall colour. Talked with V today..V wrote a poem for me and it made me cry. Tears start flowing down coz all the words in every sentences, goes deep into my heart. It's so emotional. We talked only for a while today and its sad. We both cried. I will call V tomorrow tho. We went dinner tonight that's why I can't talk with V longer. The best thing about tonight is, my dad bought me Twilight which means i've completed my collection of Twilight Saga [Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn]. I've finished reading it all. So..imma go to bed.

Goodbye for now....

News Flash!! -EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME-

2009-05-07T21:44:00.003+08:00

So..today is the day. My last day staying home. My last day staying in Sabah and next week i'll be staying in my college. New Bed..new roommates..new environment. As promised, I'll tell you a thing or two about me. Well maybe a lil bit of secret. Just maybe. Don't get to excited. Seriously..don't. First, I'm just gonna say, I'm not cute or adorable. Hey, nobody is perfect in this world right? For me, everyone has their own inner beauty. For me, everybody is beautiful, cute and adorable. The word "Hot" or "Sexy" doesn't explains the beauty of a person. Use proper word such as "Beautiful" or "Handsome" coz it's more honest. Okay, nuff saying. Shall I begin, your Highness?

Age: 17 years and 10 months. [18 on the 10th July]

Hobbies: Cooking..Reading..I totally love reading especially books about friendships, life, romance and TWILIGHT SAGA!!

Horoscope sign: Cancer [I'm a CRAB! teehee xD]

Blood Type: B+ [Anyone needs blood the same as mine?? :) ]

Fav. Music: Anything that is related to metal/deathcore and post-hardcore songs such as ESCAPE THE FATE, THY ART IS MURDER, SUICIDE SILENCE, BLESS THE FALL, THREE FACES WEST, FROM FIRST TO LAST, UNDEROATH, A DAY TO REMEMBER, A SKYLIT DRIVE, BRING ME THE HORIZON, BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE and also I like listening to Yiruma's song..he's an awesome pianist.

What I like to do in my free time?
- Poems..I love poems.
- Listening to music. [mostly metal and my sister hates my music..lol..]
- Staring at the wall for no reason. [i'm weird]
- Talking to my dog. [wished they could talk back so I won't feel lonely]
- MSN [i'm always on but not when in college]

Things that I love!! :)

- My Laptop and my phone [my life is in this thing..]

- Books! [we can gain more knowledge by reading it]

- Friends! [can't live without em']
- Texting is FUN!!!
- I'm obsessed with Gummy Bears! [i have the gummy bear song in my phone :P]

Things that I hate!! :(

- Pretend friendship! [major heartbroken]

- Backstabbers! [will never forgive if you're one of them]

- People who stereotyped other people [Gosh! They need to realize that people are different and learn to accept them for who they are..]

- People who insult/hurt the ones that I loved the most especially my family, my friends, that special someone.. [i'll make you regret if you hurt them]

Things that I wanted the most:
- Blackberry Smartphone or IPhone
- All expenses paid to Australia to meet that someone
- To be successful in my studies
- To make my parents proud
- To live a happy and wonderful life

I think this are the secrets...maybe..owh I don't know..just read, okay?

- I'm a BI. Shocked? Nah, i'm sure you're not. Yes, I like both genders. I don't care what you think of me because for me, everyone deserved to be loved. So what if I like girls and boys? There's nothing wrong with that. Right? :D
- Gays are the most awesome people in this world. Because for me, they understands how people feel and boy they can make people happy. This also goes to all unstraight people in this world..I salute you all!!!
- I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared of loneliness.
- I cut myself. There are scars on my left wrist but some of it already healed.
- I'm afraid of ghosts and monsters.
- I hate/afraid of roaches..they're icky!! :S
- I have a very low self-esteem..I get shy easily.

This pictures below shows you pictures of me....

P/S: Hate me if you want after reading this post. But please, don't. Because I done nothing wrong to you so there's no reason for you to hate me right? I don't care what you think of me after reading it all. Yes, I'm weird. I know. Insult me all you want. Thanks for the insult anyway. I'm grateful. Thanks for reading my blog. Don't forget to leave some hello[if you're friendly] or some shit[if you're an arse] in my chatbox. Goodbye for now. :D

Shocked :O Sad :( and its soon...

2009-05-06T17:09:00.002+08:00

okay..okay..I know.. you're sad about it too... Talked with T today.. also from Aus, just so you know. I've known her for about 6 months. Whoa, I have many Australians in my msn's friends list. Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney and Perth. Nuff saying. So, I talked with T today. As usual...sadness.. She said to me that, she thinks she's going die without me. Shocker?! Yes, me! I'm shocked! I asked her why and she says that, she can't live without me and because she needs me. Again, shocker! Then we started talking and talking..and me trying to calm her down and trying to convince her that everything will be okay. But no..she said its not going to be okay without you. She also said that she don't want me to go. But what can I do? Its my only chance to pursue my study. Please..understand that. I'm not going for forever. We can talk on weekends and i'll be going home on Kaamatan. I promise myself that I must talk you to on your birthday, which is on the 31st May. That's why I must go home. The most shocking thing..that I asked her this question.."Am I everything to you?" Then she answered.."Everything that I would ever get" what a...SHOCKER!! But why me? Why me? We live far away from each other and yet why do you want to be with me? Seems like we're getting close with each other. 2 days left..2 days.. and this sadness in me are eating me inside.. I want to make this 2 days the most precious day for my V and also for you, T. Would it be weird to be in love with two person? Nah, that's not possible tho. My heart is with V and I'm happy with it. My last day which is on Friday, I'll be posting about all about me for you to go deep inside me and see what kind of person I am. I'll be telling you all about me from A to Z and from first phase to last phase. Wait for Friday. The truth will be revealed. Well..not all. Teehee!

3 days? 2 days to be exact...

2009-05-06T10:01:00.004+08:00

I can't bear to live knowing that you're sad about me leaving soon. We talked yesterday..I can feel your sadness. When you asked me how i'm doing, I replied to you that I'm ok. But deep in my heart, I'm sad. I just don't want you to know coz I don't want you to be sad. I only told your sis that I'm sad. Seriously!! I'm freakin sad. Ugh! It's 2 days left. How am I gonna make this 2 days the most precious day of our lifes? Gah..i'm stressing out. I Love You so much..you're my all..my everything.. If I lose you then I'm lost.

J Hearts V forever and always <3

just got back from the interview! [well..that went okay..]

2009-05-05T10:56:00.002+08:00

*Lets out a big sigh as a sign of stress relieve....fuuuuuuyyyyyyyoooooooo...*
Well, the interview went well..i guess..I met new friends and I met my old primary friend. She remembered me and I don't remember her. What kind of a friend am I?! Lol..it was like 10 years ago. Okay, bout the interview. Hmm..scary at first but the rest was okay. The interviewers was not mean and snobbish like some people say. They were nice and I was like smiling during the interview. It was funny tho. Now, I got nothing to worry about. Yay moi! Mwahahahahaha >:D
Evil laugh...me evil...yeah..haha..was just kidding bout that. Lol, there's so much to do..actually none but for me..there's still some things to prepare for matrix. So, till then. Teehee!

getting ready for the interview tomorrow..ooohh nervous..

2009-05-04T20:34:00.002+08:00

I'm done with the essays. All 6 essays. *Claps for me* and now I have to revised about Swine Flu and the current issues happening surrounding us. I'm so nervous for the interview tomorrow. I'm shaking from top to bottom. Seriously, it's no joke. Does it looked like I'm joking?! *Lets out a BIG sigh...phew..* It's like 11 hours to go till the interview. Wish me luck guys and girls xD hope the interviewer won't be the mean and snobbish one. Oooohh..i'm terribly afraid of that kind. Excuse me for using such horrible grammar. I'm not that good in speaking nor writing in english though. Tomorrow, there also will be a 30 minutes test which is annoying coz it will be testing you if you have the skills and personality to be a teacher. Well duh..umm..lol, i don't know.

Quote for today...

"Although I'm weak in the outside..but in the inside I'm stronger than the mountains. I will soar high and you will see my inner strength that will make you regret for what you have saw me in the outside"

I just realized something and it's sad :[

2009-05-03T16:30:00.002+08:00

Gosh, I just woke up..yeah JUST woke up.. I'm asleep a while ago coz I was too stressed out to think. Been sleeping for 2 hours. Wow, that gave me a bloody headache. Ouch! When I woke up, I realized something that made me sad. I realized that, today it's my last Sunday staying in my home and next sunday, I will be at Matriculation. Yeah..my last sunday today.. Ugh..ugh..ugh..gah! Sad... Next Week will be a new environment for me.. New room, new people..new atmosphere..everything is going to be new.. I hope I can settle it very fast or i'll be homesick for the rest of the semester. It's only a year right? No biggie.. *hearts beating fast* oooohhhh..*moments of silence*.......whoosshhh..I'm DONE!

stressed out and drowning in it!!!

2009-05-03T13:43:00.002+08:00

Gah!! I'm really stressed out about the interview for perguruan thingy. What is the difference between PROFESSION and BIDANG???? Anyone could help me with that? If you can, you're a life saver. I just found out that I have to write 6 essays instead of 3!! Omg! Omg! OMFG!! The interview is sooo near..*cries alone* and I heard the interviewer is a very serious person. Gosh..i'm so scared. I'm going to breakdown..*Cries louder* I'm drowning in my own tears...drowning..cries for help..drowning.......................

soon...2 days till interview for perguruan..

2009-05-02T17:01:00.003+08:00

"Hey"...my favourite saying when i'm talking with vans..ugh, didn't talk with vans a.k.a dear today. Well, today was frustrating coz the clinic that I went to check my blood group, tersalah this. Bukan blood group yang dorang pigi check. Sheeshh..so, went back there to take my blood sample again. Well, as usual no pain. I like it, lol. *Took a deep breath..then sigh* Idk, is it 7 or 6 days to go? Gosh, I suck at counting days... Time passed by so fast. Yesterday my friend said check the IPTA result coz its already out. So, I went to check mine and guess what? I GOT ACCEPTED to UiTM for Diploma in Hotel Management. Some of my friends didn't get through tho. Whoa..so many to choose. And this Tuesday which is on the 5th May 2009, I have to go for another interview at Maktab Perguruan Gaya. Gah..still haven't done with the essays that I'm supposed to do for the interview. I haven't read bout the current issues which will also be asked during the interview. All I know is about the SWINE FLU. I'm still studying bout it. Lol, i'm blurred bout it. I know it started in Mexico and its going to Phase 5 which means Pandemic and that is in a dangerous level. Hope Malaysia won't get it. So, people..travel less..means less money spent..less outbreak and less death. Omg..i'm stressed out bout this college thingy..
1. Matriculation in Labuan [I'll be going on the 10th May for registration]
2. Maktab Perguruan Gaya [interview and hopefully I will get chosen]
3. Adventist College of Nursing in Penang [waiting for the result and still thinking bout it]
4. Diploma in Hotel Management at UiTM [not sure but interested in that course]

Gosh..gosh..what should I do??

Madina Lake [wow!]

2009-05-02T11:29:00.003+08:00

I just found out this band from myyearbook, Madina Lake. I look up for this band on youtube for their song "One Last Kiss" and I was like "whoa! awesome xD" No, there's no screamo in this music, so yeah I'm sure for all you screamo hater would love this music. Blah to you screamo/metalcore hater. LOL! And for those out who listens to rap..Boo to you! Hehe..so here's the link to the vid..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIxGmhoopvs

8 days to go sniffs

2009-05-01T18:36:00.003+08:00

Awwwwwwww......i'm soooooo eafin' friggin freakin SAD!!!

Its..its...its.. 8 DAYS to go.. 8 DAYS to go till the last day i'll be a sabahan. No matter, although I'm in Labuan, i'm always a Sabahan at heart. Yay me! But i'm still sad..sad..sad..SAD!! How can I overcome my sadness? Everytime I think bout me leaving, tears started to shed. I don't know how much tears i've shed since last week. Sorry you have to know all that. But I must let it out or else i'll be drowning in it. Here's a qoute for today...

"Though I'll be apart from you, I shall return soon with gifts that'll bring you joy, happiness, love and friendship. As much as I hate to go, I must leave you but know that someday I will return. With a heavy heart..with a crooked smile and with big dreams of becoming a useful person someday..."

This sad feeling in my heart...i'm sure it will fade away soon.. And I know you're[V] too sad..we talked today and you said that you're still sad and kept thinking bout it. Please, don't let it affect your studies. I love you so much and you know it. More than anything..forever and always. I know we won't be talking often but at least I can call you. I don't care how much it will costs me, talking to you makes me happy. Dammit, why owh why..Australia and Sabah must be so so far???!!! Arghh.. One thing for sure, I won't give up on you. Never! You've stolen my heart and i've stolen yours. Wow, we've commited the perfect crime. Awesome xD

Falling for your bestfriend? Okay or a MAJOR No No?

2009-04-30T16:50:00.003+08:00

Okay..here's the topic today..

Falling In Love with your BESTFRIEND???

Is it okay or a MAJOR No No??

I'm just asking for your opinion tho. This has nothing to do with me or anybody. Well..there's a little bit of me [KIDDING!] but seriously..I just want your opinion. Okay, here's a friend of mine, who got this friend, who knew this other friend, who knew this other other friend...owh what hell?! Straight to the point!! Okay..okay.. Lets just say, this person knew this guy for like 5 years..they met since they were 8th grade. And they became close friends until 12th grade. Being classmates together for 5 years and she developed feelings for him. She never told him about her feelings towards him until they both were in the 10th grade. Guess what? What a MAJOR BLOODY REJECTION!! Feel sorry for her tho. But the amazing part is, they're still friends tho. More closer than ever. She sat next to him in class when they were in 11th grade. That make her happy. And yes, her feelings for him never fade away. As much as it hurts her seeing him liking someone else, but she never gave up on loving him. Talking about a ONE-SIDED LOVE. Major heartbroken for her. When they graduated, they both took pictures together..what a happy moment for her as well for him. Months have passed after the graduation, yet she still have feelings for him. What did she do? She waited and waited and waited..sad, init? How do I know this story? It had occured to a friend of mine. Owh well, since you finished reading it, what's your opinion?

dating your Ex's BFF..right or wrong?

2009-04-29T16:14:00.003+08:00

Hey..umm..is dating your ex's bff right or wrong? I mean, we're not together anymore right..so, dating her/his bff is okay right? I mean what if, when you're with your ex, his/her bff likes you too and she/he's afraid to tell you that he/she likes coz he/she doesn't want to ruin your relationship. Wow, a true friend indeed. And when you broke up, his/her bff knows and he/she wants to be with you. Its a hard decision to make. Think wisely..is it right or wrong for you to date your ex's bff? Lol, I don't have the answer to this but this question suddenly popped in my head. Sorry, there's a lot happened in my life now. I'll be going to matriculation, and yes, I did told vans bout it.. and now we're both are sad. Good thing inside the campus, they sell reload there. Dammit, I'm sad now..feel like I'm about to breakdown and cry. I'm trying to hold back my tears. Ugh..life must goes on.. But one thing for sure, I will never stop loving you. Never ever! Remember us, forever and always.

Special Thanks to Hollyrottiers [hope you read this :D]

2009-04-27T15:50:00.002+08:00

I just want to say thanks to "Hollyrottiers" for following my blog. Hey if you read this, talk to me sometime xD. I would love to know what music are you into or maybe we like the same music? Teehee! Thanks again!

wahhhh..done...13 days to go..

2009-04-26T21:03:00.002+08:00

Before I start my yadayada on what's going on today..I just want to say..

CONGRATULATIONS TO ST.MICHAEL SCHOOL FOR CREATING ANOTHER MALAYSIAN RECORD!!

Haha..yay to my former school! OKay..okay..nuff said. Today was sick! Been out for the whole day and I didn't even get to talk to Vans. Sheesh..being busy, I mean very busy with college errands. Buying that, buying this. So much things to buy. Gah! Going broke here! LOL! But at last it was worth tho, I've bought everything in my checklist. Man, that matriculation rules are so eaffin strict! No wearing T's?! Like, what am I going to wear then? Ugh! Dammit, I need help here. I was wondering, whos' going to be my roommates? Hmm.. Hope tidak kena yg drama queen punya or yg pretend friendship punya. Ugh..I can't live with those kind of people. And ooh ooh, people who likes to stereotyped other people..don't dare to label me. I am for who I am. Nothing you can do to change it! Lol..mind that. I'm friggin tired tho, but i'm going to bed later. So, teehee!

Susan Boyle [Amazingly Awesome Singer!!]

2009-04-25T13:49:00.002+08:00

Okay..okay..I know this is old news but I'm so busy that I don't even have the time to listen to this amazing person singing. Yeah, I heard about her on the radio and tv. Her name is Susan Boyle and she's 47. When i watched this vid, Simon asks her what she wants to do. Then she replied that she wants to be a professional singer. And THEN there's this girl, laughed at her!! What a meanie! They were all like shocked when they heard she said that. When she started to sing, she moved the crowd and they were all like standing and cheering for her. Believe me, Simon was impressed too. She was an amazingly awesome singer.

Here's the link if you want to the see the video. [Be AMAZED!!]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

the decision is made.. 15 days to go..

2009-04-24T15:48:00.002+08:00

I've made my decision to pursue my studies at Matriculation, Labuan. My last day I will stay home is on the 8th May 2009 coz i'll be going to Labuan on the following day. 15 days to go. How am I going to tell Vans bout it? Argh..this thing is making go gaga and sad. Ugh! Hey, its only a year right? Time pass by so fast and we wouldn't even realize it. I hope. I also hope that I get room mates yg satu kepala punya, hehe. Omigosh, this song that I'm listening now while i'm typing this post is so amazing. If you're into metalcore song, I'm now listening to "Diamonds Aren't Forever" by Bring Me The Horizon. *BEWARE* This song is not for the faint-hearted, its only for metalcore/deathcore lover. My music taste has really changed alot. Seriously, even my mum and brother were shocked seeing me listening to that kind of music. I don't care tho. It's good listening to it when you're feeling stressed out. Haha, my sister, Joanne, hates my music tho. She would go like, "Off bah tu, bikin stressed lagu ko tu! Sheesh..!!" Owh well..you won't be listening to it after 8th May. At least, metal is better than listening to some rap. Ugh, rap is crap. Ooohh..ooohh..now, i'm listening to Thy Art Is Murder..damn, head-bangin music. I'm home alone, so there's no one to tell me to turn my music off. Haha, I can't imagine what will my roommates say if they see me listening to this kind of music. Maybe they go like, "What music are you listening?! Ugh, you're such a weirdo! Fucking emo! Yikes!" Lol..well, roomies you'll have to live with it anyways. Hehe. Well, till then..Teehee!

I was just being paranoid bout us..

2009-04-23T20:54:00.002+08:00

Mind what I said about yesterday...we talked today on msn and on the phone!! Lol, again I was so nervous when talking to you. Aww..your voice was so cute when you tried to annoyed your sister. You said it was your annoying voice. But when you said my name, I was like "omigosh" that was sooooooooo cute and heavenly awesome. And now your voice is permanently stucked in my head. All I hear now, is your sweet voice saying my name and I smiled to myself for it. Which make me looked like a mad man. I wished I've recorded your voice. Can't wait to hear it when I call you next week. Teehee! Aww and today, I got an offline from Tori and she said she can't talk to me for 3 days and she told me not to worry about her. I hope nothing bad is happening to her coz I can feel something uncomfortable is going on. Oh My Gosh, I think I'm worried bout her. Oh no! Oh no! Omigosh.. C'Mon 3 days..hurry up, I seriously need to talk to her. Gosh..this is frustrating.

in my depressed mood.. :[

2009-04-22T19:57:00.002+08:00

Ugh...i feel like I want to punch the damn mirror!! I don't know what to do. We talked today..and something just came across my mind. Wanna know what it is? It's YOU and our relationship. I feel like its going to end soon. I don't know why but it just came across my mind. I love you so much and I can't let you go. I know you feel the same way towards me but i just..idk. It's making me sad just to think of it. I cried today coz of you. And tomorrow its 23 April. You told that the "thing" in your room..told you that you're gonna..umm. Gah, I can't say it! Its painful and it hurts me so much! Please, don't let it happen. I can't take another goodbye. My heart can't take another blow.
*cries alone in room*

Thanks for the taggie Abeline xD

2009-04-22T19:18:00.002+08:00

FOUR NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU :
Jas
Jac
Sinta
Sintut

FOUR MOST IMPORTANT DATES IN YOUR LIFE :
10th July
2nd July
5th September
21st April

FOUR THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 30 MINUTES :
Talking to friends on msn
Cooking
Laundry
Blogging

FOUR WAYS TO BE HAPPY :
Talk to someone you love the most
Pray and always think of God
Eat favourite food
Sleeping

FOUR PEOPLE YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST :
Family members that have passed away
My classmates when in primary school
My favourite dog [he's part of the family]
My ex

FOUR GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE :
I-Phone [its a must]
All expenses paid to Australia
Of course, cash xD
My own private jet

FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES :
Texting
Reading
Making Poems
Online chatting with you know who

FOUR PLACES OR COUNTRY YOU WANT TO GO FOR VACATION :
AUSTRALIA!! Melbourne and Brisbane! (priority!!)
New Zealand (The mountains and refreshing breeze)
Paris (City of Love)
UK (Heart their accents)

FOUR FAVOURITE DRINKS :
Coke
Iced Water
Isotonic Drinks
Vodka? yeah..vodka..yumm

FOUR THINGS ALWAYS FOUND IN YOUR BAG/HANDBAG :
My Laptop
Books
Hand Sanitizer
Clothes [sometimes]

FOUR FAVOURITE COLORS :
BLACK
Purple
Red
Green

TOP FOUR HANGOUTS :
My room [private!]
The Balcony (Where I can be alone to think and stare at the stars)
The Beach (good times..good times)
Kitchen!! (food!)

TOP FOUR U LOVE SO MUCH :
My Vans and Tori
My Parents
My God and Jesus
Friends

TOP FOUR "THINGS" SPECIAL TO YOU :
My Laptop (Take it away from me, you'll regret doing it)
My Cell (without it can't text or call people)
My relationship with Vans (my heart can't take another blow)
My Life (we only live once so why waste it?)

TOP FOUR WHO YOU WILL TAG
Anyone will do :D

I want us to be together forever and always

2009-04-21T19:22:00.002+08:00

Today I realized that I love you more than anything. No doubt bout it now. You loved me like I loved you. When we talked today, you make my heart beats fast. You don't want me to leave, but its 3 month to go. College is coming soon. It seems that you're counting the days. It's making me sad tho. I hate to be apart from you. And I know you feel the same way. Oh my gosh! I love you so so much! I miss you heaps every single day. Why are we so far apart?! If I've been given a chance to go anywhere in this world..all expenses paid and right now, I would choose to go to your place..grab you and hold you tightly to me without want to let you go. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! [it's no joke]
Aww..enough me being luffy-duffy about you. Today I also talked to Tori. We're becoming closer and closer each day. Although we're both far apart but I feel like we're so close like we've known each other for such a long time. Idk..I want us to be just friends tho not more than that. So, imma control my feelings so I won't be to over with it. Ugh..confused feelings again! Deleting confused feelings..1%..25%..55%..67%..78%..85%..91%..100%!! Eeepp..ERROR! File cannot be deleted. Stupid hard disk!! Teehee! Owh well..
Omigosh! I can't decide where I want to study!! I'm still confused. Yeah, I got accepted to matriculation but I'm not fond in accounting. I hate accounts for goodness sake. I sucked at it. Seriously. I'm more into journalism, teaching, TESL, nursing, or any other medical fields. Just not accounts. But studying in matrix is good as they say and its nearer. Today, you also said to me, "Dammit, 3 months to go. I can't forget it. I can't forget you coz it's you!!" and I was like whoa?! Wow..i really don't want to leave you, you know. But I must. I must go in order to pursue my studies so I can meet you someday. Imma go take my shower then. Ttyl bloggies.

Teehee!

do you really love me? just wondering..

2009-04-20T22:58:00.002+08:00

I'm so sorry if you read this tho. Nah, i'm sure you won't. At least I hope you won't. Sometimes..okay, sometimes..I feel like you don't love me. This long distance relationship is so hard to cope. But I never give up coz I love you so much. This relationship taught me a lot about trusting someone. Yes, I trust you a lot. But I don't know today, this question suddenly crossed my mind. Sorry, I know you're sad now coz your bff just died. I understand that. Ugh, forget it anyway! Its making me sad just to think bout it. Forget what I said. Its just my mood swings. Dammit! Apart from being depressed today, someone just made my day. Its a friend of mine, Tori. We're okay now. She's not mad at me anymore. She said to me today that her mum and me are the only people that she got. She also said that I'm a part of her family. Thank you so much. I love you as my friend. Or maybe more than just a friend? Lol..nah. Just a friend. Hehe. Imma head for bed now. Till then, xoxo.

Teehee!

gah T_T [well that ended well..kinda]

2009-04-20T16:19:00.002+08:00

Well..that ended well..haha right..ended with a bloody headache and sores all over my body. Mum..where's my reload? Hehe, my mum promised to reload me coz I helped during the party. Like I thought, the party ended already but yesterday sambung lagi bah. Haha..lol, where did they get the beers?! Coz all I know that the beers at the party were out! Gone! Finished! Wow..magic. Teehee! The whole day yesterday..my cousins playing with our laptop, guitar hero and stuff. I sucked playing guitar hero. And today at last I can play well not perfect but at least I can play at medium mode. Alas! hehe..I can play Afterlife, This ain't a scene, time is running out and it hurts in medium mode!! Yay me! Imma play again to improve.

I WANNA TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SAY THANKS SO MUCH to...

ALL OF JOANNE'S FRIENDS AND HER GENK KARATZ FOR MAKING JOANNE'S SWEET 16 THE BESTEST GREATEST PARTY IN HER LIFE.

AUNTS, UNCLES AND COUSINS FOR JOINING US.

ABRAHAM WHO HELPED ME IN THE KITCHEN AND CARRYING SOME STUFF.

DJs..ANON..AUDREY..COLLIN..DATU..JOHNBOY..

MY DAD FOR THE WINES, BEERS AND THE TWO KEGS.

BOTH OF MY GRANDMA FOR THE SOKO AND YUMMY KUIH

THE CATERER [yummy dishes!]

THE WASTED GUY WHO USES THE WORST PICK UP LINES ON AUDREY. [Dude! you cracked me up!]

AGAIN..JEZREEL FOR HELPING US TO CLEAN [hope u read this..hehe]

AND SPECIAL THANKS TO MY MUM FOR THE SUPPORT. I KNOW, MUM, YOU'RE EXHAUSTED BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!!

I WILL LOVE YOU ALL AS LONG AS I LIVED.

FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!

Teehee!

what a partay!! woot woot!

2009-04-19T03:55:00.002+08:00

Its 4.00 am here and i'm still awake!! Woop woop! My parents are sleeping, my bro with his gf and Joanne and Celine. Yeah, Celine sleep over at our house. Lol, its so late and i'm not sleepy.. wow, the party today was a BLAST!! I've been busy talking to Joanne's friend and I didn't realize whats happening to the surroundings. Owh yeah, before that, I just wanna express my gratitude to this people who helped during the party..

1. My parents

2. Our maid and her children

3. Celine [wiping the chairs]

4. Jezreel [helping us to cleaned after the party]

5. Aunts and Uncles

6. All of Joanne's friend for making this party a total success!!

At the party, I've prepared pudding and spagethi. I was like whoa..coz when I want to eat the spagethi, it finished!! Gone! That was fast.. also my pudding. Glad there's one cup left. Omigosh..i'm damn tired. Now, I can sleep in peace. Yay me.. what happened at the party just now? Let me tell you..

1. Dancing..disco..with heart-pumping music

2. Guitar Hero..

3. This is the funny part where there this guy who were trying to flirt with Audrey. It was very funny coz he uses the WORST PICK UP LINES i've never heard in my 17 years of life. Seriously..it was seriously..annoyingly..worst!! Idk if he's wasted[drunk] or not. It doesn't look like he's wasted but the way he spoke, it makes him looked like he's drunk. Like when he asked Audrey that if she got his phone number, Audrey was like "what?" I was like, dude, she doesn't even know you! Again, when Audrey wants to go home, the guy went to her place and wants to hug her. But KASIAN!! Kena REJECT!!! WAKAKAKAAKA!!

Lol..so, imma go now. I don't want to sleep yet. Imma go play guitar hero with Abraham..

Good Morning although there's no sun yet..lol, its 4.24 am!

Teehee!

the DAY is tomorrow!! Jeng..jeng xD

2009-04-17T23:09:00.002+08:00

Okay..before I begin, I just wanna wish my sis..

HAPPY SWEET 16 BIRTHDAY!!

Sorry for ruining your day tho..hey, not only your day..mine too. Ugh, mind that. So, today was a total tiredness. Getting ready for the party tomorrow. By the way, I JUST FINISHED MAKING PUDDING!! YAY ME! So, to all the people coming to the party tomorrow, make sure you try it and be amazed. Teehee! What did I do today, aye?

1. Award Day. [I received one today xD]

2. Mum scolded me coz of my unawareness of the surroundings. [Believe me, it was scary]

3. Cleaned the road to our house [if you saw us, you will definately laugh at us]

4. Cleaned the drain [ewwww]

5. Watch the people set up the tent [weird dude kept looking at me..yikes!]

6. Laundry [hehe..sempat lagi bah]

7. Puddding! [Choc, Honey Dew, Mango, Blackcurrant, Strawberry and Durian]

Dammit, i'm so tired and yet I haven't go to bed. My eyes are wide open O.O

Teehee

haha day with me mates..

2009-04-16T12:35:00.002+08:00

Lol..i just got back from school. Suprised? I'm not going for study just to settle some stuff with the teachers. It was funny tho. Me, Foon, Chol, Ain and Theresia go around the whole school building just to look for Cikgu Salmah. Padahal..sana Dewan Kebudayaan. Siang! So we terpaksa drive to go there and the teacher asked us to see Cikgu Felicia. We were so angry and yadayada coz she asked to go back to school and find Cikgu Bethy for the letter. Dammit..ugh! Again, we drove back to school and again to our frustration, Cikgu Bethy is no where to be seen. Arghhh! So, we just went to her table and look for the letter, sign it then go. Sheesh it was annoying. But all in all..i get to hangout with my friends. Aaahh..nostalgic moment..

Teehee!

Yay to Guitar Hero!

2009-04-15T21:39:00.002+08:00

We just came back from Wisma Merdeka and guess what? My parents bought us a guitar which is also known as GUITAR HERO. We only bought one tho coz its kinda expensive. Well..kinda. It costs about Rm168. Me and Joanne are playing it now, following our turns. Hehe.. So, my day today was awful, sad and disturbed. What happened?
1. My first fight with Vans. Nearly broke up but we're okay now. Its my fault tho.
2. Tori accused me of doing something that I didn't do and now she hates me. I already talked to her but she wouldn't listen.
3. Vans asked me something which makes me feel disturbed.
4. I'm an asshole!
Gah..i don't know what to write. And I'm not going to give up my relationship with Vans. And imma go play guitar hero now. TTYl!

Teehee!

It's your decision then..

2009-04-15T14:01:00.002+08:00

Thanks to someone on msn..you just made my day..you just made my bloody day..you just have to ruin my bloody day..I thank you for that. Now, i'm beginning to hate you.. Its your decision then. You told me today that you're gonna delete me..Its your decision then, go ahead. I won't force you to do anything that you hate. Thanks tho..Nice to meet you. Thanks for the 5 month friendship. The 5 month you lied to me about you. Thank you for all that. I appreciate it our friendship. Thanks so much..

untitled is the best title :P

2009-04-15T09:24:00.002+08:00

www.whoblocksyou.com
I know this webiste from a cousin of mine, thanks! This website tells you who blocks or deleted you on msn. I went to the website and owh jolly..I found out who blocked me in their msn. Becky..the stuck-up blondie that me and Don hate..yeah, she blocked me. And..well, i'm not suprised bout it..It's my ex, Eri. No wonder, I never see Eri on Msn for a month. Owh well, i don't care if you don't want to talk or you want to forget me. Feel free tho. Not hard feelings, i'm okay with it. The pain that you caused in me are healed by someone. At least, that person does not act all clingy to me. So, there..I loathe everything about you. We're done! Gosh, I feel free. I'm happy that I'm with Vans. *deleting painful memories* Loading..10%..25%..50%..75%..98%..100%..DELETING COMPLETE! Omigosh! I'm desperate..no credits..can't call Vans. Ugh..Dammit, I got a stomachache and idk whats causing it. Painful..ouch..

Teehee

omigosh..i love your laugh :D

2009-04-14T21:24:00.002+08:00

Omigosh..I just love your laugh. Its so adorable. I'm addicted to it. I talked to vans today till my credits ran out. It was very funny coz we were laughing all the way. Vans said, "Oh my God" and I said "Oh my gosh". We talked for like 12 minutes and yes my credit balance is Rm0. Typical me. Imma buy again soon. But one problem tho, I'm out of cash. LOL! I'm going to ask from my mum soon. Hehe..i'm bad. Like Vans asked me what ringtone that I used when someone is calling me. I don't understand their accent tho..only a lil bit, so I was like, "pardon? sorry? I can't hear you" and keep repeating it for like 10 times. I listened to it very careful and then I heard what Vans said. It sounded like "reng-toun" instead or "ringtone"..well, thats australian accent for you and I'm in love with it. Owh well..imma go to bed.

Teehee!

glad thats over..phew!

2009-04-14T13:34:00.002+08:00

Booyah! I just came back from the interview. I nailed it! Haha..kinda. The result of the interview will be out in 4 weeks time. If I get accepted then I'll be flying to Penang on the 1st of July! JULY! Omigosh! I'll be celebrating my birthday there..hehe. During the interview, I was the last and the longest one to be interviewed. My mum said, "it seems that you two have fun" and I was like, "yeah coz it was funny". That person asked me tons of question. Wanna know what she asked? Read below..
1. About my whole family.
2. Why do you choose nursing as a career?
3. How do you know this college?
4. Health issue
5. Who's our Prime Minister now?
and many many more. I answered it with knowledge that I have in me. I didn't even study for it. Like she asked my just now what is "add science" and I said to her that its a combination of physics, chemistry and biology. Then she looked at me with a grin then said, "so, you know a lil bit bout biology right? Let me asked you some question." I was like *gulp* dammit, I only learned the basic. Then she asked me bout kidney and lungs. Gah..thank goodness I can answered them. And of course, I stuttered. I'm sure she noticed the nervousness when I spoke. Owh well..at least I live through it. Lol. All the applications will be out this week tho. So many to choose from but I'm beginning to like this college..we'll see about it.

Teehee!

3 hours to college interview!! O.O

2009-04-14T06:05:00.002+08:00

Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigish! 3 bloody hours to go..I still haven't figure out what to say..what should I say?! I'm going to do last minute revising about the college and about nursing. Hey guys..if I don't come back alive, please take care of my dog, reload my phone, visit my grave every week with black rose and take care of my laptop. What the?! What am I saying?! Gah..i'm stressed out. Help me..its just a college interview right? Just a bloody interview right? No need to worry? Of course I'm hella worrying bout it. Its my future that i'm deciding.
OMFG! My hands are starting to shake..right now..then, it will be my heart. Huhu T.T

12 hours till the interview..

2009-04-13T21:13:00.002+08:00

Omg! 12 hours to go.. I'm so nervous..
After the interview, i'll be waiting for dad at San Francisco Coffee tho..till lunch time..
I called vans again today..talked to vans for about 10 minutes. There was lot of laugh in our convo and I still stutter when talking to vans. Also, my hands are shaking when holding my phone. It nearly fell tho. Guess what? It costs me about Rm10 for today's call. I know I'm crazy. I'm so happy to hear van's voice. It woo-ed me. And of course, I say "Oh My Gosh" many times again. Suprisingly, Vans likes to listen to it coz vans says its cute when I say it. Lol, i'm blushing. Its only the second week of April and I've spent about Rm50 on reloads. Haha right? Well, texting three people from US and calling a friend in Australia. Man, that costs a lot. Teehee! Owh well, imma go to bed early.

Teehee!

xoxo,

2009-04-08T19:53:00.002+08:00

Damn..what a BORING day. Today, I woke up with a new resolution, that is not using internet for a day. I realized that I'm truly addicted to ONLINE everyday. I didn't talk to Vans or Kayle today. Since I got nothing to do in the morning, I went to bed for a snooze. Turned on the air-con and dozed off. When I woke up, go downstairs and saw my laptop there..calling me to use it..and then I saw the wi-fi, also calling me to use it. What a TEMPTATION! I try to resist it but I can't. Too much pain in me..need to use the internet..BAMM! Here I am sitting in the living room using it. Dammit! I can't resist it. All day I thought about Vans, not talking to my dear makes me go yadayada and Eri suddenly came across my mind. When I listened to Halo, you came across my mind. I haven't delete the rest of your message tho coz when I read it, I feel calm and I smiled suddenly like a lunatic. I can't bring myself to delete your messages. I regret deleted your other 506 messages. Those words you said to me. Some of it healed the pain in me. It's been 3 weeks since we last talked. Argh! Why can't I forget you already?! It's really hard to move on, you know that?! I love you too much when we're together but I'm sure now your love is not the same anymore. I understand that. I got Vans in my life and you can have anybody you want. Right now, I just want you to fade away from my memory forever. Owh what the heck, mind what I said just now. So, the interview thing still bugs me. Really, seriously, I don't know what to say. Should I talk about me? Things that I like? Stuff that I hate? Hmm? I really don't know. Imma call Vans for advice and support on that day. Sheesh, i'm being annoying again.

Teehee!

xoxo,

Jaceyy

I got the letter!

2009-04-07T18:37:00.002+08:00

Don't You See That I Love You?

making life decision..yet still can't make up mind..

Confuse? dead confuse =(

Proud for who I am =)

Fragments of Me

you're seriously annoying!

Need your opinions on depression :)

@#$%^&*(&^$%#%^&

labuan>>>awesomeness!

I fucking hate it when they fight!

crappy morning...fun evening..

blah..blah..blah..bleh.. =.="

so little time...

yesterday was history today is????

tomorrow is the day! D:

I do still love her...

awesome new year!

me and her talk about kids.. LOL

Missing mode

upset mode

Christmas Day! :D

self-reflecting

I now can say you're a bitch!

ughhh!

our relationship officially ends..

loving you was my favourite mistake..

I really want you back...

missing piece of puzzle in my life..

I'm a droob...

thinking of...

Breathless

It was sad but yet funny xD

Happy Friendship Day!! xD

Why is it so hard to understand you?

I so HATE today!!! >:(

I'm sick with all of this!!

well..that was pleasant..

Birthday!! Woohoo xD

I despised this confused feelings in me

Toilet Buddies Moments!! [My last night..nooo!]

Farewell to KM-HELL..Greetings To MAKTAB GAYA

Home Sweet Home! LMAO! Only for 2 nights!

Just thoughts...inner thoughts..

Wrapped In Your Arms *Joanne you must read this*

Greetings from Labuan

The Life Of A Teenager in College

Home!!! But only for 4 days..aww..dang it!!!

Hey..hey..hey..

From Matriculation with Pain and Love

Last post before I go.

News Flash!! -EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME-

Shocked :O Sad :( and its soon...

3 days? 2 days to be exact...

just got back from the interview! [well..that went okay..]

getting ready for the interview tomorrow..ooohh nervous..

I just realized something and it's sad :[

stressed out and drowning in it!!!

soon...2 days till interview for perguruan..

Madina Lake [wow!]

8 days to go *sniffs*

Falling for your bestfriend? Okay or a MAJOR No No?

dating your Ex's BFF..right or wrong?

Special Thanks to Hollyrottiers [hope you read this :D]

wahhhh..done...13 days to go..

Susan Boyle [Amazingly Awesome Singer!!]

the decision is made.. 15 days to go..

I was just being paranoid bout us..

in my depressed mood.. :[

Thanks for the taggie Abeline xD

I want us to be together forever and always

do you really love me? just wondering..

gah T_T [well that ended well..kinda]

what a partay!! woot woot!

the DAY is tomorrow!! Jeng..jeng xD

haha day with me mates..

Yay to Guitar Hero!

It's your decision then..

untitled is the best title :P

omigosh..i love your laugh :D

Wrapped In Your Arms Joanne you must read this

8 days to go sniffs